THE DEVIL'S WORKSHOP

One night, while in that twilight zone between sleep and wakefulness,I had a revelation. It suddenly dawned on me, why women think 'marriage' soon as they look at brothers. Bleep the fact that they may never hook up, it just happens, if only for a second.

Pity when I woke up the next morning, I couldn't remember.

We have a new maid. Chick is special. She's as thin as a pole and rather old. Problem is that she's so active. We spent her first week of arrival trying to out-kneel her. She kneels for anything and anyone but we've been raised to kneel for our elders so, while am fighting modernity and kneeling down, She's already down greeting me, then am struggling to raise her off her knees coz it's wrong for her to kneel to me... Lemme just say, arrival at home is long, akward and leaves me filling silly.

She also likes cleaning things, come home on a hot day and take off your blouse to cool off. Next time you see it, it will be happily swaying in the wind, wet and on the line! Oh, and she washes your shoes too, on arrival.It's crazy

You know how sometimes you wake up in the morning to see what the world looks like?When u plan on going to the bathroom and then coming straight back to bed? That's a thing of the past in my household; as soon as she sees you zombieing past her, she sneaks into your room and lays your bed!!!

My sisters say her days are numbered. I think I might have convinced them to let her stay if she hadn't said the house has posessed windows

On a lighter note, someone was showing me why I shouldn't close my face book account. We came across a hilarious game called 'orgasm', You replace a word in a movie title with the word 'orgasm'. For example;

Return of the orgasm- Return of the Sith
Honey, I shrunk the orgasm, you know what that one was.My personal favourite was, GET ORGASM OR DIE TRYING- 50 cent

It's just a thought

I might have been a creature of the night in my past life. I probably went to bars which had clienteles that included boogeymen, vampires, ghouls, mythical creatures, werewolves.... I probably got involved in a love triangle that featured a werewolf called Lasher and a vampire called Amadillo.

What's to be done when a brother sees you coming from far, diverts and then pretends to just have seen you when you pass him by? Keep walking.

My roomie is still recovering from my tales of incubuses and succubuses or is it succubi? Give her nightmares, she says. muhmhmhm. I wonder whether to feel sorry or not.lol

I know that life likes to stab you in the back all the time. It likes to hit you where it hurts the most. If life realises that you have a weak spot for something, it's gon' press down, and hard.So I've got me a remedy: act like you don't care about anything. That way, it doesn't know how to toy with you and it leaves you alone. It's working but it's bloody dull.

Am feeling Dido's see u when yo 40

2nd Edition, new, abdridged and standardised

I'm turning 22 in a month or two. My list of things to do before I turn 25 is long and untouched. Not a single crossing. But on a brighter note, I have decided to re-invent myself. Here's a partial list:

for reference's sake: Before Re-invention(BR), After Re-invention(AR)

BR;
Daily routine is as follows: room, class, room class, room, class, room, class, room class...
AR;
room, class, room, all nighter@ wherever, room, class, room class, room, step out for the evening, room, class,room,class,room class, be unaccounted for, room, class...You get the drift.

BR;
Invited to a party? Here's before: Dress decently, smartly, for the day. Go to class, be careful not to get dirty. Head straight for the party after . With my satchel bulging with books.
AR;
Get back from class, shower and primp till am running late. Look for a diva- like outfit, high heels. Tiny, almost negligable black purse. Yeah, then am good to go.

BR;
Opposite sex relations.
Wow, I had so much fun! How nice you are! Can I have your number?
AR;
That was fun. Bye.(No more asking for numbers first. There are unbelievable repurcussions)

BR;
No lip gloss
AR
Lip gloss. On a regular.

That's it for now. Am still looking for things that might need enhancement.

Meanwhile. I proved that it's not only alcohol that makes people bold. Coca-cola does toO. Check it out: I saw some two nice boys dancing the coolest shuffle i've seen in a while. I so badly wanted to be taught so I run through a couple of cute opening lines (in my head) and took a fortifying gulp of Coke. I spent the night learning all sorts of routines. It was fun. Which causes me to wonder; do we hide behind the alcohol? Do we do things well knowingly and then blame them on the drink? I don't know. All I know is that after I've drank about 3 bottles ofCoca-cola, I feel like I can conquer the world.

URGES

19.09.07
Let's talk about urges. Right now,am lying next to him and he is fast asleep. In his sleep, his neck is bared and I keep looking at it. I have the strangest... and strongest urge to bite it. Not real biting, just a playful bite.Enough to scare the little boy in him. The one who believes in vampires and things that go bump in the night. Yes, am that idle and that disorderly.

But I won't because he won't take it lightly. He knows am not one to do things for the hell of them. And yet right now, that's all it is. He'll call me kinky and proceed to bully me till am all blushed out.So I won't do it.Pity. I really want to.

Speaking of which, I'm having an issue with my limbs. They do not know a thing about cooperation. In my head, I have a mantra,"When people you like touch you, it's only right to touch 'em back." Show some affection for God's sake. My head gets it, my limbs do not. Case in point:

He's caressing my arm, lacing his fingers through mine, tracing patterns on my palm, and am not hating it. I want to reciprocate the gesture but I can't, for the life of me, get my fingers to close around his! The idiotic little things play dead as if am not pleading with them in my head to curl around his fingers. I tell them,

"Darlings, holding his hand doesn't mean we shall have to marry him, I promise."

Nothing.

" Please luvs, work with me here, he's going to think we don't care."

NOTHING.

"Okay, just wiggle to show me you are mine and are alive and well."

YOU GUESSED IT.

Am left looking at my digits, incredulous at this betrayal from a totally unsuspected sector."How can you do this to me?" I silently ask. No answer.

Amazingly, he doesn't throw my hand away in disgust.

Another case in point, we are sitting together and his barefoot finds mine. Am pretending that I still remember what I was talking about yet evaporation has already occured. Now, it's only polite that I make a token gesture of leg movement back, right? Waaa!!!!

You'd think my feet have never seen me before, the way they ignore my instructions. It's terrible. If you've watched kill Bill, you know what am talking about. There's this part where Uma Thurman's come out of a long coma and she's kinda paralysed waist down. She hauls her self into the back seat of a truck, stretches her legs on the seat and sets to work. She starts by willing her big toe to move. She trys untill she gets it to move. She works her way upwards from there.

Now, in my case. My legs give 'dead weight' a whole new meaning! Bloody things don't move, even if I start to mumble the commands coz telepathy has jam. Am even disgusted just thinking about it!

However, there's hope in the fact that I obey instructions; he says hold my hand, I can do that, he says slip your shoe off, cool. But I'm miserable that he and possibly others to come are going to think am an Ice queen. I swear I even seem unaffected to myself. SOS.

Global village

What a monotony life can turn out to be. Today i decided to try out my spanish with an actual Spaniard. I logged onto the web and got into a chat room for espanoles only. I got my work book ready and pressed 'enter chat'.

Escalantes (donno what that means) and amigos were flying everywhere but I picked a nicely named brother and started from there. I got throuugh the hi- hi part, then he said some wiered things and I was forced to admit i knew little Spanish but I asked if we could speak. He says cool.

In a little while, I was chatting with these 3 nice guys, and we was flowing. Okay, not flowing but stumbling along, to an extent. Then messenger friggin went off!

I mean, I was about to ask this one brother, Fransisco to 'oye mi canto' and then suddenly I can't reach him. Needless to say, am not very happy with this pc, but no sweat.

But ... I must say I learnt a couple of things:

1.I didn't know how to say, ' fine, thank you.' Now I do, it's, 'bien, gracias.'

2. Cool in spanish is 'orale', pronounced oralay with a strong r.

3. Sex in spanish is sex. Don't ask, i thought I was asking for hobbies.

4. Never trust messenger, it's out to make you suffer. Let me check if it's on now... Just as I thought.

Let me get back to my mundane life

RISE OF THE PHOENIX

Hey, it helps to write. Ever since my last block, I've felt lots better. I was watching fighting temptations and i cried for no good reason. That's okay, it was the residual sorrow coming out, now am fine. I remember why they left me here again. The philosophies begin to make sense. Sod, the world, it ain't my fault if they refused to open the book I chose, I'll tell them all about it.



These are the truths I hold dear;



I believe that it is in giving that we receive. It's karma, baby. What goes around comes around. The bible said it and so did Justine Timber lake. Damn, even Alycia Keys was in on the secret. Who am I to forget it?



Seek and you shall find? They wasn't kidding. You just have to put your back... and your heart into it. I was seeking reassurance, that what I believed was the right thing. I hit rock bottom but a day later, my aunt called for a get together: i was like a man would been wondering in the desert, I drank up all she said, every body seemed to be speaking to my soul, answering questions I couldn't even formulate.



Am brimming with enthusiasm! Can't wait to go out and heal the world... make it a better place... for you and for me and the entire human race... if u get my drift. I was reminded that I aint the only soldier on this battle field. We are like in the CIA, we can't always pick each other out in the crowd but we are there.

Love each other as you love yourself. How else are we supposed to fulfill our destinies? God wants us happy. Have you ever noticed how divine you feel after giving or sharing. It's coz u achieve a state of godliness. Those are the things God does for a living so when you help him do his work, he lets you feel a tiny bit of the glory. And it's enought to have you walking on cloud nine.

Problem is, I've been trying to lead 2 lives: one for myself and one for Him. No more. Ama mix 'em and see what happens. I got a song 4 y'all

seems like I always fall short of bein' worthy
cuz I aint good enough but he still loves me
I aint no superstar The spotlight aint shinin on me
(no no no no no)
cuz I aint good enough but he still loves me .

LOST ONES

As far as I can remember, I have resented the lot that life cast me. I had made the best of it until recently. I can't do it anymore.

I stopped waiting for 'them ' to come get me but that doesn't mean am happy here. My days are for the most part dull and the only real pleasure I get is from being with people. Am not content with myself. I feel like there's more to my life but i don't see it. The time I spend by myself, trying to find the inner me ends up as brooding time.

Not good. I can't even honestly say I like the me that I am today. Am lifeless, my laughter comes less readily, smiles are automatic but not like they used to be. If you looked closely, you'd find that it's a false sunniness. I used to have happy go lucky days, all day, every day but now, they are few and far spaced. The reason I laugh these days is so I won't cry. If I was by myself, I'd scream.

Antoine Fisher made me see that it's not normal, If you ever find that you have a sudden urge to cry for no apparent reason, there's a reason, it's just well hidden.

They say hope's the last thing to go. We'll what does it mean if you drift from day to day with no sense of time, place or purpose? That you are hopeless? I don't know. Someone once told me that my joie de vivre left him breathless, I wonder what he'd say if he saw me now. My hope's slipping away and i can't stop it. it began in droplets, then a trickle, then a stream. The dam's clearly about to burst, steer clear.

I read somewhere that to be happy, I should expect little from life. I get that; Don't look forward to a lot so that every good thing that happens seems magnified by a hundred. Which normal person lets themselves hope for less than they know they deserve. I want to hope for a lot... and get it. In reality we can hope but we won't get all we want, tough luck. I detest having my hopes dashed against rocks. Am getting scared to dream.

i don't want to play this game anymore. I want out. I want to take a break from being myself. A holiday. Let me be someone else for a while. Am tired of being me. I almost understand suicidal people now;

you look for the meaning of life and eludes you. What's the bleeding point of it all? I can see why a weaker person would jump ship. I thought I knew why we were put here. To love each other, right? Apparently not. I feel like I've been reading a different book from the entire class all year and now it's exam time and I know zilch! The philosophies no longer work for me;

Give and it will come back to you?

love your neighbour as you love yourself?

Do unto others...? What did that all mean?

I put it to you again, people aren't reading the same book as me. As a result, my life is not unfolding the way my book said it would. Am in a battle against millions of enemies I can't see, don't know. I can't beat them, am tired of trying, but I'll die before I join them.

I wrote that last night. The night's a good time for soul searching.

THOUGHTS

I was wondering if anyone can explain to me the native american's plight. They are so left out, I keep forgetting that they are found in America.

I've been thinking abit on this gay issue and I think i've found out where I stand on the issue. I think it was Clinton that advocated for the 'don't ask- don't tell' policy for gays in the military. Am not sure who encouraged it but the idea was that people shouldn't ask their friends if they are gay and gays shouldn't say that they are gay. It saves everyone alot of trouble. could we not effect that?

Am also wondering about what business we have with what people do behind closed doors. If they are two consenting adults, why the hell not? I know, it's biblically wrong but do we honestly think that they haven't thought about that? That they don't beat themselves up about it, on a daily? I donno, i believe it should be a live andf let live policy. And i'd appreciate it if they didn't rub their gayness in our faces. We are human and can only take so much.

EXTENDED VACANCES

I like to sit and review my world, I bring everything into focus and see how many things are going right and how many aren't. I like the days when everything seems to have a tick. It pains me to have to put x's on some things. Today, I came up with a couple of x's so the day is tinged with a slight grey which disappears when i forget. Am considering living in limbo, on that note.

In Mbale, out of every three people, one is Somali. They are a darn pretty lot, all curly hair and bronzed skin.. and good strong teeth, if am seeing well. But they chew wiered things and spit in public. eeeeew.

No one wants to build homes anymore, some one must have told the towns folk that the money is in accomodation so everyone has turned their house into a hotel or an inn or a guest house, if not the main house, atleast the garage, it's crazy. But not a bad idea since there are many bazungu around. I wonder what they are looking for, I can't see any tourist sight except the mountain.

To tag a blogger

Woe is me. 10 years later and I haven't tagged anyone. So here goes, Am tagging Indiana, Jasmine, Joshi, Iwaya, Baz, the 27th comrade, Eddie, Savage. . . are they 8 yet? and everybody else. I know for a fact that most people on the above list have been tagged already but am turning a blind eye.Bear with me. Now, to tell them they've been tagged.... No, wait, the rules: 8 facts about yourself, people. And for obvious reasons, if you've been tagged, say so so I can report to the tag authorities that it's your fault and not mine. luv ya'll

WASSAA

Hello people. am ill, i have flu and cough, atte my cough is not that sexy one that makes you feel sorry for the pretty young thing sighing in her hanky next to you, pretending to be coughing. Has any one ever had a cough that makes you feel like your lungs have an outer coating of some heavy metal so that when you inhale, you fill like you are trying to lift a table with your teeth? And when you laugh, you end up hacking? Well, that's not how I feel...kidding, that's exactly how I feel. I've thus decided to put my laughing days on hold. For now, I just sort of hiss through life.

Els, do you remember how those adolescents in S.5 and 6 used to laugh?Maybe they didn't in your class but they did in mine. It went something like," ts ts ts ts ts ts ts ts," I finally get it. They had bad coughs and didn't want to put their fans off them.

I read the 27th comrade's article on how girls can't seem to talk about much else, save life and love. I swear he pegged me in one. I decided to dedicate my week to speaking, writing and thinking of anything else but. It wasn't easy. I tried to talk about politics, I ended up repeating myself,

" This regime is bad."

"It's soo oo bad!"

"My God, the badness of this regime.. (shaking my head)... it defies understanding." Suffice it to say politics was a flop. But I know that when i think it, I see pictures in my head of people throwing doves and making peace signs. Isn't that enough?

Then I tried to talk money. Now there, I surprised myself. I have many business Ideas running around in my head. I kept talking to a friend of mine about investment ideas, business plans, making your money work for you. I was pretty impressed with myself.

I read 'Rich Dad, Poor Dad' and I haven't looked back since. It's all in my head right now but in good time. My dad was telling me about "our property", if he'd known that as he talked, i was mentally breaking and expanding structures, selling off others, He'd have freaked and disowned me. It got me wondering if I feature anywhere in his will. I bet he's only left me some brown goat I saw and liked on his farm. Untill recently, he thought i was not very steady so I was kinda, 'special', Now, when I tell him 'intellectual' things, he fights hard and well to hide his surprise. YESSS!!! He even seeks my opinion these days.

AM COMING UP SO YOU BETTER GET THIS PARTY STARTED.


PS: Am at the first internet cafe in Mbale town so prices are just short of extortion. gotta go, mwaa. All the Bagisu say wasaa?

HOLA

Hi. Thanks Joshi. I was gon' stew in my ignorance for a while longer. Eight facts? Okay, here goes.
1. The firstest way to win your way into my long term, short term and mid term memory, possibly my heart too, is to tell me awe inspiring stories about vampires, were wolves, hauntings, ghosts, the occult, mythical creatures. . . . Don't run away. Am just saying.

2. I believe in love but secretly I think am going to die alone coz I feel like the one am waiting for ain't coming. And am not bloody settling for less! Sorry.

3. Am studying communication of the mass variety but as soon as i finish school, it will be the last thing on my mind. I want to be an airhostess and i don't care that the urge was supposed to pass with childhood.

4. I talk alot. I talk my way out of situations, into situations. I talk.

5. I can't think beyond the end of my nose. I have to strain. You know when they ask you, " where do you see yourself in 10 years?" The answers I give are lies. I don't know how to tell people, " I can't see myself."I live each day as it comes. With minimum planning for tomorrow: eg ironing tomorrow's clothes.

6. My mummy thinks am a time bomb. She's just waiting. Am a good child but she's convinced that any day now, am gon' go rogue. At first I thought she was being unfair, now am not sure. Am scared actually. But I have such presenceof mind, where is this ninja stuff going to pass where I shan't see it?

7. For about2 years now, I've been writing in code in my journals (Da Vinci code forever!) But recently, I asked myself, "why the hell am i hiding? This is my book. Am supposed to friggin express myself? Why must I use code. Why must I allude to things and not actually say them? There went my code. Now, i write in the queen's English and swear however, whenever i want. Some of the things am letting myself say are shocking but ... I don't quarrel, I can't abuse anyone and some facts find it hard to leave my mouth. So am making good use of my book. It's easier to vent there.

I think my sister is reading my journal coz she looks at me kinda funny. these days. But I got that covered. I wrote in there: if you have no bloody biz being in this book, get the hell out. And u better smile when you see me!! lol. So she can't quite confront me with info in there, She'll be admitting to invasion of privacy and she'd rather die than do that. I degress.

8. I want a boyfriend. I don't want one. I want, I don't , I don't, I want one, I don't bloody need one, but God said... No, St Paul was telling only the brothers, but... Shut up, we are single and we are happy, okay? (In a small voice) Okay... But... SHUT UP!!! That's were I stand on the issue of relationships.

9. I feel like my family doesn't understand me and I don't get them either but my mum makes an effort and I love her for it.

Oops, you said 8. I like to talk. See ya

OH, BUGGER!!!!!!!!!!

Hey, whadya know? Blogger.com is up and running to day. Cool

Nothing to bring me tumbling off cloud nine like a nice healthy case of embarrasment. I went to say hi, and 'well done' to pretty boy. All I got for my troubles was a hounding from about 5 avenging angels. All making sly remarks and pulling me to sit with him. I swear he was more uncomfy than me. And it had been going so well! Where's the bloody 'cry' smiley!

I had succeeded in walking away, twice. Attachment levels were at a record low and ... I was winning. Now, am on the bottom rung again, probably not even near the ladder. Blast them all to hell and back!!!

I got a very glowing recommendation from my boss here. All he didn't add was that I should take over his position A.S.A.P. But that's ok, am not yet ready. BUT I WANT TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to make a resolution that is guaranteed to save me anymore embarrasment in my life, Just can't think what.

Wamma this is what happens when u have an office romance. On a larger scale, ofcourse. Father, save us from office romances. Let me go bury my head in some papers and wish upon myself a slow painful death and eternal muteness so i never put my foot in my mouth again. You should have had me blubber. Am so blushed out, my mind even shys away from what I said, It's one big void.

Now, i have to kid about it after work when all I had planned to do was smile. DRAT .

IT'S OVER

Tomorrow is the last day of my internship but I decided to make my report now because blogger. com is unpredictable. I hope wordpress is worse. I 've written my report, lied in many places but basically said all that i needed to say, all that they wanted to hear. Internship has been the bomb but I have to say I shan't miss waking up at 6 and running to catch the bus.

I remember tiptoeing in the corridors because my heels kept clicking against the tiles. These days, I click for all am worth because I don't give a *bleep* who hears me, and the people are too nice to say anything.

What have I learnt from here? Nothing I can put in writing except that,everyone should have a job and a pc at their table for free internet, elevators are our friends,avoid the over friendly office messenger, smile, no office romances either. Everyone seems to think it's wrong so I've decided to agree with them.

Am going to miss sitting with pretty boy at the end of the day, on the bus. He's so bloody funny that I consider a day without seeing him, a waste of god time.

Someone congratulate me. He's the first brother I've liked( A-lot) without crushing on him. I mean, I don't even have his telephone number. I think am growing up.

Am going to miss Rama teaching me 'sexy swahili' . You just say the words with a lilt in your voice and stereo. Sounds pretty good.

Am going to miss Joan who had made it her mission to have me saved before I left this place. Babe, I'm changed but not as much as you'd hoped. But don't worry, am working on that.

Everyone in this office was really wonderful. I'll remember them for making me forget that I was supposed to be slimming. My slogan was "lose a pound or die trying". I didn't lose the pound and am done trying. I like my food.

There's so much, Oh, and I'll miss running to the bathroom for a breather. Them bathrooms be spacious so when I needed a break, I'd head on there and stick my head out the window for a while. No, I didn't wave at any planes.

Okay, I did.

But just once.

It is dawning on me that it might be a long time till I blog again after I leave. So, while am away, let me just say that I love y'all. Even Jasmine who's trying to confuse me into forgetting that she hasn't yet invited me. Ciao

TOLD YA

It has just hit me that today's Thursday and something called blogger happy hour happens on days like this. I can't wait to meet some of the greatest minds, I've ever seen. I'll be on my best behaviour, I swear.

PS: what's the standard response when some one uses 'Well done' on an introductory note? Is it
* same to you
*Thank you
* What have I done?
*What?

I WAS RIGHT THERE WHEN IT HAPPENED!!!

Am sitted at the saddest pc in the land. I've been trying to sign in for two days straight. Have you guys heard about the slaying machine. The one which shocks you into belief? All my scepticism has come back. And yet, do you realise that that shock has changed a zillion people's lives? For as long as they believed that it was God that had touched them, their lives were changing and now, their source of miracles has been exposedfor what it truly is, UMEME. It's crazy, this psychology business.

You know what, a wiered thing happened this week. I discovered I have a strong psych. Two things happened. I had a rubber band round my wrist and without looking, i sought it with my teeth and tagged. it was abit too elastic but strong, nonetheless. I looked down abit later only to discover I'd totally missed the band but I could still feel it between my teeth(my two sets, I mean)!

Another day, it was extremely chilly and I wore my scarf. I worked for about 30 minutes only to look aside and discover my scarf on the floor. It had slipped off my shoulders and fallen to the ground. But I was so warm! When I realised, I began to cool. Rapidly.

That tells u just how strong the mind is. It's really all about belief .

I have special powers! Yippee! The power to make things exist. I've always known I am a mutant. Don't worry puny humans, I shan't harm you.

The elevator videos have lost their novelty. I wish they hadn't and the closet's beginning to look normal. Depressing business.

I've decided to find God again. We was on a hi-hi basis but now am trying to stick around and talk. I went for fellowship(at work) and I learnt that we have to pray for everyone because when God sends retribution, he's gon send it to the entire land, not just the culprit. So y'all need to apologize for all the bad things happenin, the witchcraft, murders, . . . even if you don't do them. They call it 'standing in the gap'.

While in the fellowship, a pastor said that brothers be rushing for holy sisters because these girls be shinin like the sun. When he said this, The lady that had invited me hit me so hard, under the table, I couldn't help but take a hint. But that would be a wrong reason to get saved, wouldn't you say?

Today is going to be a good day for me, I can see it. Usually, I get up at six with difficulty, today, I was 'sleepless in Kampala', by 5:30. I shouted the whole house awake, had breakfast(a rarity) and caught the first bus to work(usually, I run after the 3rd and last bus). I log onto blogger.com and I've got it in one.

This week has been so monotonous but today...I have a special feeling about today, I almost sense drama on the horizon.Am still not sure if I want to be the star or just a part of the audience.

Oh, about the title , I'm practising how to write eye- catching headlines. How did I do? (Tiny snigger.)

ABOUT A GIRL

This is a re-affirmation. LOVE EXISTS, and not just love, TRUE LOVE. I know that somewhere, there's a person going to inspire thunder, lightening, earthquakes and other natural phenomenon.


Am waiting for that ONE for whom I will sincerely be willing to die. Right now when I ask myself if I would actually die for someone, I come up with a gazillion of excuses and the few yeses that come out are with a dozen hearts.


I know that I might not meet him or her (kidding) in this life time but untill I bloody do, am waiting. And this business of settling for less, HELL NO!! People tell me there will come a time when Am lonesome, shapeless and ugly and he's not there. So what? I'll be waiting for him in the next life. . . with a baseball bat. But am patient.


Hey, let me give you an update on the Crush of My life. Haven't seen hide or hair of him and no one seems to know where he is. As I told you earlier, am done asking (but not eavesdropping.lol)

Anyway, this is a sad state of affairs coz my crush is slowly slipping away. I don't want that coz my life will cease to have drama. I like drama . . .in small doses.


Elsewhere in my world, I met a handsome and, get this, intelligent boy at work. i know it's not going anywhere but the thrill of making friends( cute ones) has refused to let me be. I'd told myself I'm done inniciating friendships but two days ago, he smiled me into speech. He's leaving in a week so am not going to get so attached.


I realised something, No, it's not a realisation, it's a question? Am wondering why brothers who purpot to like me don't feel the need to spend any time on me. I swear, when I think about it, They come in clicks, laugh x2 and then hung back when their friends are leaving and try to lay strategy in 5 or 10 seconds. What the hell? Aren't I good enough for a date? They never bloody ask! Then they call me difficult. This business of sending texts that make you have more questions than answers, what's the moral: I'll be overcome by confusion and go fling myself in their arms?

I KNOW WHAT LONGING SMELLS LIKE

I really do. It's a sweet, rather pleasant smell that gets swept in quiet easily only to clutch your heart in a tight fist and hold your tummy shut!

No, I didn't smell it at the sight of a brother. It was quite odd actually, I was pulling an introduction(Kwanjula) card out of its pouch and my nose detected a nice scent in the air, I took a deep breath and next thing I knew, I was careening into Paining-heartville. I honestly don't know where it came from.

I can't put it down to seeing the card. Am personally against Kwanjulas and all for elopement. I find the idea of living in sin all our lives very appealing. Oh, and no babies. I don't see the use of giving rise to a progeny of confused people. One's enough; Me. Plus, I have a hard time making those baby sounds. I get embarrased.

On a nicer note, I have discovered the elevator in this building. It's all chrome and mirrors. I have made like 4 music videos in there sofar cause they are always sending me to other floors. It is often deserted so no sweat. Am thinking of turning it into a music studio then you guys can pay me per second. I just need to start packing costumes. Hollywoood, here I come!!! Muhahaha, Muhahaha. No, am not crazy, just exhausted from trying to log in. Ciao

IN THE CLOSET

Hi. I've been working at this PR office a whole week now and I think I can honestly say I want to be a PR werewolfess when I grow up. Am the secretary's secretary, I do the dishes too. Not to worry, there are also times when they make me do intellectual things like reply letters, write stories for their magazine and... and... other intellectual things. Anyway, now to what's got me really excited about writing this post: The closet.

Right next to where I do the dishes is a closet. It has all the cleaning impliments but ample space. Ample space for what? Am about to explain;

You know how, in the movies, the hero and the heroine start walking down the corridor and then suddenly he pulls her through a small unobstrusive door, then hours later they emerge, dishevelled and radiant? There's such a door at my office!!!! How romantic. Every time I pass by, I throw it open hoping to catch someone to snigger at later. But nada.

Am almost angry that these people are not putting that closet to good use!! If they aren't careful, am going to do it myself!! I just need to find out where the hot doods are @ in this joint. I thought I'd found one. I mean, brother spoke like Zeus on the telephone. Ah well, shit happens. But that closet...

THE SEQUEL

After writing that last post, I can almost understand how date-rape happens. It's all based on assumption. It's not true that men are similar to women. In actual sense, they come from Mars and we come from Venus. Before the date, the chick's probably thinking

*Today, am going to spend some time getting to know this brother
*I won't take everything too personal
*Maybe i'll let him hug me
*I might let him kiss me good night, depending on how it goes
*Wonder what our babies would look like: they better not have my ears, they can have his nose

Then the guy, on the other hand, might be thinking
*Have to look good, she's finally said yes,yes!!
*Wonder how long till I get to lay her. Knowing these chicks, It's gon be months!
*We'll see if she's worth the wait
*I need to play my cards right, look out for the signals

So,when they go out, she's as sweet as hell and he's gentlemanly to a fault. when he holds her hand, she lets him take it. When he puts his arm round her shoulder, she reminds herself not to take it personal and loosens up. In the car when he touches her knee, She says to herself, 'don't worry, he's just reminding you that we are here, in this moment.' Then she thinks she won't let him kiss her good night cause she's already let him do quite abit, he might think she's loose. So when he walks her up to her door and she puts out a hand to shake, doesn't get it.And the chick also thinks tis her fault, that she led him on.


A lesser man will think WTF? She's been leading me on? I don't think so. . . and then the chick gets raped becuse 'she wanted it' or she 'had it coming'

Maybe the best thing to do is to keep it extremely platonic on date one. No matter how much rapport you have. No unscheduled touching. Better yet, say it loud and say it proud, "I don't get down on the first night, or the second or the third or..." Date two, you can afford to loosen up a lil bit.

On a serious note 'ASSUME MAKES AN ASS OUT OF U AND ME' and that's for real. So... don't assume someone knows what's going on, ensure that they do.You dig?

TAKE A STAND.

My minds wondering, am about to forget all the wonderfully profound, intellectual things I want to tell you. I . . .can't. . . remember.Oh, here comes one;

I was going to tell you that in christiandom, there's a saying to the effect that there comes a time when a christian has to stop running(from temptation, persecution...) and stand(to fight, I presume). I have a story to share.

Two gentlemen from Kenya came to our office this week. They were staying for the entire week and had never been to Uganda.I work in the PR department so I got to spend about two days with them. They were interesting gentlemen. I got along better with one than the other, you could say we hit it off. We seemed to compliment each other perfectly;we finished each others sentences. We had the same ideas, broke into the same tune when we was bored, I swear, it was uncanny! I might have thought this was it if he hadn't been 45years old, married and with kids my age. Plus he was wearing dreadlocks. Long ones.

Maybe am a hypocrite;I have dreadlocks too. I, for one, should know that people are not their hair but there was something about this particular rasta man which told me he'd be a marvelous friend:knowledgable, adventurous and comic but to let it go further would be murder. Once again, Els doesn't believe me when I tell her I can see them coming from a million miles away but once again I did .

He didn't do anything out of the ordinary, He was chilvarous all the way, flirted a little, nothing scary and joked(those ribald jokes which make chicks blush and men roar with laughter). I decided to give him the benefit of doubt but his colleague kept making things seem personal.

The dilemma was that Rasta Man (RM) hadn't done anything wrong yet but I saw it coming and I wanted to avert it but didn't know how. Plus his colleague was there trying to set scenes that didn't come. i got a triffle upset. RM and his friend suggested I take them around Kampala and I said I didn't mind. At some point, we exchanged numbers and when he called me later in the day. He asked me not to tell my boss about our arrangement. That made me feel like I was part of something I didn't even know about. I got worried.

I thought about just standing them up. But that would have been rude so I thought to myself, how about I call them and talk about the worst family crisis ever and how i can't come. That might work. Then that saying hit me. 'Take a bloody stand, man!'

So, I bought credit and called. It was pathetic. Something like:

Rasta Man(RM) AND ME (EB)

EB: He...hello?
RM; Hey baby.(men who call aquantancies baby are not to be trusted,ok?)
EB: Hi... I wanted us to ..uhm...get some things straight
RM: What?(bad connection)
EB: Wanted to...make a few things clear(I was eating words but I have edited so things can be legible).
RM: uhm... sure
EB: This evening, when we go out. We're doing it as colleagues and friends, right?
RM: What? We are going to Colleagues and Friends?
EB: I said, we are going out as colleagues. Period, ok?
RM(stutters abit): EB...really! Just come over.

Something like that. I didn't get an answer but atleast now he knew where I stood. And though I was as embarrased as sin, I felt lots better. That evening, he admitted that he had had plans for us but he wouldn't disrespect my position on the matter. As of now, i think we are tentative friends though he at times lapses.

The moral of this story was said earlier. Sometimes, running ain't the solution. Take a stand

DESIDERATA

Hi people. Missed you. sometimes I get lonesome and i scroll through my phone book looking for some one to call so i can feel alive again.Believe it or not, i often come up with zilch.At times like that, wonder what the hell am doing with all these numbers which i can't call when i need to talk.At times like that, i want to delete them all.I almost did once, then common sense prevailed.

I guess there are times when the only one that can help you is you. Anyway, I run into a poem called Desiderata. Some brother had included it in his vibe speech. I took the poem and ran. Here goes;


Max Ehrmann
Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.


Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.


Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

PS:I almost asked u to hope that i have time to type it out for you. Then I remembered the miracle of cut and paste! I believe!

anyway,t's a nice poem and i think i'll try to effect what it says. wanted to talk about sum'n else but let me post afresh

LOVE OF MY LIFE

For starters, Jasmine, If you don't issue me an invite to that newly blocked blog of yours, ama hunt you down, shoot you, shoot the person who gave you the idea of not inviting me, shoot his best friend, shoot his best friend's girlfriend, her dog and the dog's favourite toy or rather bone and you know I ain't joking.

On a more pleasant note, how's everybody? Yesterday I did a bad thing. I shan't say but let me ask; Have you ever been in a situation where you don't like someone that much and yet they worship the ground on which you walk?

Is it true that sometimes we tell them off when they ask of us and yet when their interest seems to be waning, we do something to bring it back, give 'em false hope? It may be conscious or subconscious but I know I do it. It may be a smile or a prolonged touch, whatever.I felt like a shit afterwards, promise never to do it again.

Oh, and The Crush of My Life's coming back.Yey! The official take is we couldn't care less but am already wondering out loud among reliable sources," Mpozi when did Thingie say he's coming?" I need reassurance that he'll be here. This ought to be fun. Life's been too dull of late. Sad thing is he's only here two weeks! Now if I could just get him to come back with us to the island...

I never learn do I? But it's so much fun smiling at nothing and staring at the phone(atleast for the first one hour).Oops, just remembered I cut his number out of my journal and I lost my old line.HEELP!!!

But wait, this may be a once in a life time chance. Am not going to look him up. He will prove himself by looking me up. I shall not be weak. Infact, no more asking anyone anything! Brace your selves for a roller coaster ride people!

POETRY FOR INTELLECTUALS

Hi , the font on this pc is so big, It almost beats Italics but not quite. Iwaya, u happy now? Anyway, Am done with papers, idle and disorderly though not for long. Internship from hell's coming up and I can't say am looking forward to it. This business of knocking from door to door looking for voluntary employment ain't sexy.How much more shall we suffer when we want actual jobs?

Anyway,I wrote a poem today, off my head but I didn't finish, any one who has any ideas can share but s(he)s to go with the flow: no murdering my poem.
I know I ain't got nothing on Maya Angelou but I've elected her as role model so it would be ludicrous for me to try and usurp her. Here goes;


How about I be a lyricist
since I've failed to be a physicist
on rhyming every word I'll insist
in case of failure, I'll persist
Be like Drew in 'Music and Lyrics'
since I've failed at Quantum Physics*1

How about I be an artist
seeing as Maths feels like mortis
capture the sky, trees on paper
capture people with a new flavour
make it good, just like Picasso
seeing as these numbers are such a hussle

How about I be a dancer
considering everything else causes cancer*2
shake my body, make the boys say, "my!"
find out too if my hips don't lie
I think I shall dance like Shakira
considering how I do all else like Attila


How about I be a poet
since for scientific genius am so late
A thousand feelings in just a few lines
to be debated on as pips*3 sip their wines
mend or break hearts, just like Maya
since for those idiot theories, I only feel ire

How about I be a best friend
have two ears that I could lend. . .

That's where inspiration died. Indiana helped with the second one so I need 4 lines with as much rhyme as possible(at the ends). Oh, and I need copyright to doctor those lines as I see fit. Come on, help me out, flex those poetic muscles. Love you all

PS: Who's seen Jasmine. Rather lost. Let me go look for her.


*1 Chemistry didn't quite rhyme
*2 I swear nothing else was rhyming, be gentle.
*3 people

EMOTIONS ARE RESTRICTED TO FEMALES. BOYS BE PRETENDING

Hi, am sorry about the Italics Iwaya, it's just that I find it soo..oo pretty. Don't ask, I can't explain but do explain to me why boys don't have much emotion? I mean, in the last post, all the brothers were hatin' on that soulful music that I love to hate. What's the basis. Not your faults, am just wondering.

Yesterday, I watched my brother watch a movie called "Blood and Chocolates". The part that made me watch it was the "chocolates" part. It suggested something sensual, read romantic. No prizes for the part that am thinking took my brother in. Anyway, it's a beautiful story about a romance between a werewolf and a human. It's the very first movie I 've seen that based entirely on werewolves(no vampires this time) and it cast them in a fantastic light. By the time I was done watching it. I wanted to grow up to be a werewolf(ess)

What was I saying? Yeah. So am watching my brother watch this movie and I realize something, he's unconsciously forwarding the parts that I had kept slowing down or rewinding while I watched! Now that was crazy. Those parts when the hero says something so fitting or corners the heroine and she wants to ran but can't run because his hypnotic gaze has rooted her to the spot... Forget that. You know what am talking about. Instead he was forwarding to the parts where the wolves chased down bad guys or leaped in human form from amazing heights. Okay, those parts were cool too but really!

My point here is that people say that brothers are emotional but hide their feelings well. So how do u explain this. . . subconscious hiding from emotion, forwarding business? I don't get it.

Music of the heart

There's two kinds of good music in my world. There's that one which makes my bones vibrate(coz it's really loud) and then there's that which makes my heart pain coz its really soft. The bone shaker's pretty good for those times when I want to send the entire world to hell and just feel free to be me .

That's why I 've taken to rock like a fish to water. Nothing beats, shouting with Avril(in a coarse, raw voice), "I WANT TO DIE...." and then the guitarist helps you out a little and you're bobbing your head, stomping your feet, trying to keep the furniture out of your way... you know? I look back on rock nights with Els and Hetta and am content. Life aint so shitty after all.

Then there's those guys who refuse to leave you to lick your wounds in silence, They insist on putting words to it. Am talking Whitney, Luther, Heather Headly, Zhane.

I used to cry myself to sleep at night
but that was all, before he came
I thought love had to hurt to turn out right
but now he's here, and its not the same...it's not the same.

That's Whitney, 'All the man I need'. It makes me so friggin hopeful, I wish you knew. Am destined for great things. You need to read the entire song to get my drift. Brothers, I warn you: it might get a little mushy

I wish I wasn't in luv with you
so u couldn't hurt me
it's just not fair the way you treat me,
no, u don't deserve me
wasted my time, thinking about you
when you u ain't never gon' change
I wish I wasn't in love with you
so I wouldn't feel this way

That's Heather Headley, I feel like that sometimes. Misused. But am yet to encounter a brother who can keep me feeling that way. It's not that am not emotional, just that am very aware of myself and what I have to offer. I know that I can't and won't take shit from nobody except Els and Sandy and Bren who are my friends and would take my shit if I dished it out.That sounded gross. But you get the picture. So, when in love or any of it's close relatives, ie lust, crush etc, Wallow abit and then move on! . So i touch my heart, croon along, then get up and walk like nothing happened. It works for me.

Its crazy how I can always find a song to match my mood. With the exact needed lyrics, like I had it custom made. Dilemma came when I was in an unclassifiable relationship sort of thing with a brother who I was sure knew what was going on and refused to say. I couldn't bloody sing out my frustrations. I just sat there cursing out loud. It was pathetic.

ITS JUST A LITTLE CRUSH

Hey it's four in the morning, am attempting to brag about my newly found night life which is as unpredictable as the end of the world. Generally, it's non existant but once in a while... Something comes up. Enough already, lets talk about mutual crushes.

It's not everyday that these happen. Atleast not in my world. But when they do happen. Wow. I used to have daily crushes, as in." ooh, he's so cute." Then I'd swoon over the unsuspecting individual for twenty four hours and be ready to move on the next day. I thought crushes were overated: can't sleep? Can't eat? Yeah right! Pretty naive, I know.

Then came a time when a brother who was not even on my list of crushees showed up. I tripped him(totally by accident) and he(the trippee) asked me, the tripper, if I was okay. Don't know what it was about that concern. I saw crushes in a new light. You guessed it, no food or sleep for about 3 months. I finally got it: that loss of breath when you see them, The tingling feeling, the rush, the reading something into every little thing he did, everything.

Brother didn't even know that I existed but for three whole months, everything he did was because he was fighting his feelings for me(Atleast in my head it was). That was a crazy time but I finally snapped out of it. It stopped being fun and became painful cause he'd never know. I wasn't bloody likely to tell him, now was I?

After that, back to daily crushes or just hourly ones , then came another. Now this one, this one was precious. Still is though I be cursing that particular brother every moment I get. Officially, am supposed to not care but hey, am human, am entitled to slip up some times. You have any idea how wiered it is to go out with coupled up people when you are single? It's pretty lonesome I tell you. So here I am stuck with a couple of couples for three whole days on an island.

There's this other singleton, just one. A brother, thank God. So, I say to myself, " I better make friends so that when other people need QT(QualityTime), we can hang out and feel independently single". I swear I didn't see it coming... But that's not entirely true. I figured that the worst I could do was have me a weekend of outrageous flirting. I didn't see any harm in that.

Problem came when I realised that Mr. One Weekend Stand was anti social. Now's the time to admit my problem. Am a sucker for unreachable people. I'll either stay far away from you or try to wriggle under your skin. Brother was a looker and the few snippets of vocabulary i heard come out of him, screamed intelligence. There's something about a clear accent that turns my pages. That must be it, I can't think of any other reason why I decided he was for getting to.

That was the plan: reach out to him, Have us both a nice weekend and never see him again. Let me just say that he who digs a pit for the righteous man falls into it himself. I can tell you the exact moment it happened. He was blazed or tipsy on black ice and was just sitting there gazing at the bon fire. Whoever said never kick a man when he's down don't know what he's talking about. I advanced. Let me set the scenario for you:Oh, for reference, he's MOWS ie; Mr One Weekend Stand and am EB.

EB: Hey, U ok?
MOWS: Wha... Am good.
EB: What you doing? Meditating?(He was dozing actually).
MOWS: No, just gazing at the fire. You know why fire's so ... thought provoking... It's in that category...(Looking at me to see if i'm feeling him).

EB(your's truly doesn't dissapoint) Yeah, like the ocean, the sea, the sky.
MOWS: (impressed)Yeah, you can't quite figure them out
EB(out of intellectual things to say):Yeah
MOWS:I like fire the best. Its just waiting. It's like it's saying come and f**** get me.

Am not sure if the musings of a drunk man are to be taken seriously but I was hooked. Don't ask me why, I can never explain why. Maybe am crazy about well spoken men who occasionally let a swear word out and use it well, I don't know. We became friends that night but for the record, Being friends with the crush victim don't help none. I attached too much to everything we did and he didn't think about it twice. He'd ignore me for weeks on end and I'd be dieng to talk to him, When he left he never said goodbye. Am still cursing him for it and just when I thought I was moving on, he'd beg to take me out to coffee. I can only say it was mighty confusing on my part. But I loved the drama. When I think back, I know that my life hasn't been so boring.

Now, the mutual crush was just plain wiered but good none the less. You know how u meet a good friend of a friend? Well I was on my best behaviour because we were gon' hang the entire day. No use making a bad first impression. All went well until one night, he'd had abit to drink so the normally quiet individual stepped aside for he's alter ego. (Another time, we shall discuss this obsession with brothers under the influence.)God, I love having the attention of attractive people. What's not to like when each statement's punctuated by a caress of the arm or cheek, a pat on the nose or a sigh of my name. I felt wanted. Then girlfriend goes and spoils it all by bringing pics, one day, and saying, " Oh, look, that's XXX's girlfriend".

Don't worry, I wasn't that far gone, I just reduced on the intensity of my smiles, the intimacy of my conversation and the proximity. Then one day we are talking and he tells me he once had this huge crush on me but he stayed away till it went. I said cool. For that moment, I was the winner in these games of admitting things. Then some imp made me feel bad that I'd made him think he hadn't touched me at all. So I told him. Am proud to say that after I did that, I pulled even farther away, I wasn't about to become a third wheel.

Problem was that I sensed that he could and has, in the past, used this admission against me but I fought back and I won. As of now, we look at each other in mutual appreciation and proceed to discuss politics in modern Uganda or some such mundane topic.

I'd be lieing if i said I didn't think of us being together. Of him leaving his gal of a zillion years to be with me, the crush of his life. But I figured that he was probably better off with her. First of all, am incompetent in matters concerning the heart and I honestly wouldn't know what to do with him after I'd gotten him. Some times, I curse the fact that Mr Right is nowhere to be seen but then I think and realise that I have no where to put him when he comes. There's a saying that goes, "When the student is ready, the master will appear". Am thinking when am ready, he'll appear, too.

DEMURE

Hey just visited Keitetsi's Blog (Hope I got the spelling right), there's a set of Maya Angelou poems there. There's one on 'woman'. it touched me in places i've known I have for some time. I wonder why I don't get that am special and not for meddling with. I might be getting it but too slow for my liking. I can tell am making progress by the fact that i don't make as many excuses for the brothers as much as I used to.

Secret: I used to carry boys' bags instead of the buggers carrying mine. Is your mouth open in shock, don't worry, when I think about it, I open my mouth voluntarily.

Oh, and i don't whine(out loud) anymore. From now on, i shall know no fear, chins up ladies. Let me share with you my new resolutions (clears throat).No wonder am striving to be demure; its my calling! My destiny, who I am.
1. No more talking too much. I am demure.
2. No more talking too loud. I am demure.
3. No inniciating conversation in a room of quiet people. I am demure.
4.No thinking I can save the world. I'll be too busy filing my nails and being. . . . .(all of us). . . . demure.
5. No more wearing jeans. Elegance; high heels, swishing skirts. . .u know how we do. Demure
6. No more demanding to climb the trees with the boys. My role in life will be to sit back and be catered to. You guessed it: demure.

Hmm, what else do demure people do for a living? A second, let me look it up. Hey. The definition's pretty interesting, to me anyway:(of a girl or woman) behaving in a way that does not attract attention to her or her body.

Hmm...how does a bootylicious person like 'yours truly' work on the second part. I mean, I make even sack cloth look good? The first part's easy. I'll just stop talking and the attention goes. But the second...

This needs more thinking about than I thought it would. Let me think some more and I'll get back to u. Demure

Lovely day

Hi there. I think I might have finally hit the mark. Am always hoping that people will stop describing me as , " that loud girl," I'm aiming for, "That girl who's sooo demure". Wanna know why I think I might finally be demure, i got two new posts from people that are not Els. I was screaming on the inside and yet outside, i just said," Hmm, 4 posts?"

SOLITUDE

I don't think that's the right word. Solitude has a ring of contentment about it and that's far from what am feeling right now. What is it about a person being alone in a room full of people. when i think about it, i feel like its such a waste of good time and what could have been good memories. enough of that shit. i want to hate a little. i've had it up to here (just above my head) with brothers who fake scenarios for their own benefit. u probably don't get it so let me give u two scenarios:

He spends alot of time sneaking glances at you, then he finally works up the nerve to say,"hi".

You reply,'hi'

He looks at u consideringly.As if he's weighing likely losses. Mind made up, he asks,"Would u do something for me?"

'sure', u reply, trying to be of help.

He maintains eye contact as he asks, "Even if it seemed impossible?"

Concerned, u cover you tracks by saying,'no, if i can, i will,' then idiot increases on the eye contact, the gaze intensity, leans back,crosses his arms, gives u a once over and sighs,"i donno where to start"

Alert to the change in tone and mood, afraid to get the wrong idea, u briskly say,
'try at the begining,'

Bugger then looks at u from under his lashes and proceeds to say, "okay...could u get me your friend's number?".

It's not the first time it's happened. Another time, 2 years ago, I was at a party, feeling like the life of it, I mean, everyone was feeling my shit and all, then i got a phone call. It went something like this:

me:hi
him:hi, is this Elle B?
me: sure, who's this?
him: you wouldn't remember. How are you?
me: am great, u?
him: good, it's been long
me: i wouldn't know, u haven't told me who this is
him: i'll tell u, u sound like a kid on phone
me: Do not, who's this?
him: Okay, it's xxxx(cute boy)
me: Oh, hi!(with a greatly changed approach- bigger smile)How are u ?
him: good
me: it's nice to hear from u. how'd you get my number(Incredulous that he'd look me up a yr later)?
him: I hunted all over for it
me: did u (warm glow)?
him: Yeah, Need help.
me: sure
him: could u get me xxxx's number?
me: sure(plastic smile blocking lots of swear words).

I'll proceed to tell u why i have beef with this. If u gon discuss business, get to it, don't use bloody underhand tactics to get the deal. It leaves a wiered impression and in my case, leaves me feeling used, wronged and not as cool as i felt before.

SOUL SEARCHING

Just how crazy does the idea of giving without expecting a thing sound?Sheer madness if you ask me but I've got an idea. Hear me out for a second.

In religion, that's the way to go: give, especially when you know you ain't getting nothing in return. Yeah right! How we supposed to get ahead when we just keep giving? Then there's that saying,"Give till it hurts".Man, if you follow shit like that, at the end of the day you can be in some real pain. There's even a recommendation that you give away the things that you value the most. In this way, you maintain spiritual freedom. Your soul don't get tied down to material things, you don't end up 'worshipping' your Manolo Blahniks or your Prada or whatever designer item you posess. How wiered is that? That's side A. Let's check out side B.

Raise your hand if you believe in karma. I see a number of hands (in my head). Yep, that old saying about what goes around coming round. Everyone knows about it, even Alycia Keys and Justine Timberlake( and they are reliable sources).

The idea is that when you give, the gods put a star on your name. They arrange for you to jump the blessing queue and even have someone doctor the blessing ration you was s'pposed to get. My theory is that that only works when you don't demand anything in return.

Another idea goes back to the bible. It has to do with storing riches in heaven. Imagine the idea of giving your car to charity and finding it in heaven. That's the shit. . . but I don't buy it. Lets go onto a smaller scale. You give someone a little of your precious time and in heaven, the angel will spare some time to look for your name on the back covers of the book of life. Does that make sense? Or you give someone food and for every time you feed them, God adds another floor to your mansion in the skies. It's an idea, think about it.

oh, and the reverse is true; those times, you withhold, a skull and cross bones are drawn on your page. The wise man should thus ration if he don't want to go all the way up or down. Ensure that atleast you have a nice two bedroomed apartment with air conditioning and a regular supply of healthy foods. Oh, and please note that your dwellings will be in purgatory because God's gon' spit you out if you are luke warm . Am not sure if the devil has standards. I mean would he throw you out for being too good for his liking?

I have absolutely no idea where am going when I die and yet I firmly believe that I'll either cease to exist or be chilling with my main man(God, ofcourse). Donno how am sure, I just am

What's wrong with the world, maama?

I need to apologize for my failure to notice and make use of the edit function: Sometimes, i get so full of myself and forget that I can make mistakes too. Sorry, Perdon. Le siento, Saidia mimi, nsonyuwa and everything that falls in between.

I have a personal problem that I need to get down in writing. Maybe you'll help me make sense of it. To begin with, I don't understand why men and women feel the need to play games with each other. Yeah, yeah, I know it's the game player who gets the guy or the girl but maybe that just means they deserve each other. Why can't straight forward, with a dash of common sense, work equally well?

Let's have an example. It's often said that girls prefer 'bad boys' to nice ones. Wanna know why? It's simply because bad boys hacve the basic common sense to know that a girl given too much attention is one that grows a big head. So they hold off on the compliments, go easy on the put downs and just keep coming back. This is enough to show the affected young lady that inspite of her flaws, the brother's still digging her.

I'm talking about calling her 8 times a day. Aint y'all ever heard of the saying, 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'? Do you think the dood or doodess who wrote that was stupid? There's such a thing as anticipation. It shouldn't be underestimated. And yet, if you want to talk to someone, you should just go ahead and call 'em. Since this seems to be a contradiction, let's just say that if you've done it more than thrice in a day, you need to bite something, tie your hands together and wait for the next day,or week if you're still laying strategies.

Another thing that gets me is 'writing between the lines', as opposed to reading between them. I mean going round in circles and never saying anything conclusive. Let's have a scenario: two young people are flirting healthily and then when everyone's gone, brother pins sister to a wall and as she tries to make sense of it, he asks, "Can't you read between the lines?". Between what bloody lines, man! There's being subtle then there's being plain presumptuos! I mean, where do some brothers get off thinking that just coz she sat with you and smiled at you, she wants you?

Aren't they in the least bit scared that they may have read the signs wrong, that they may make laughing storks of themselves? Am just trying to say, Before you attempt to jump someone's bones, be sure that you are sure, that you are sure, that she wants you to 'jump them', for lack of a better word

This aint a hate campaign , it's just that am sick of brothers who can't be bothered to get to know people for themselves and not for what they can give them.

Am by nature a person that runs from extreme emotion from the opposite sex. As such, my skills of detection of potential 'likers' are finely horned. When I say that I can tell when someone's about to really like me, am not kidding, I just can. Standard procedure is to lay low till it goes away (the extreme like, i mean). I used to run at the first hint of like till a close friend told me not to be 'paranoid', so now i stick around and play stupid till they break it down for me in black and white.

Brother's have a tendency of dropping hints which can't be traced back to them. Am guessing it's a defence mechanism, prevents them from getting hurt if the feelings aren't reciprocated. So we girls have had to come up with good, less non-traceable come-backs, so we can keep up the banter. In a way, we play stupid untill they are forced to out themselves and risk being let down. At th end of it all, if it was mutual, you gon' see it in the look, the gestures, the words, the intonation, it's everywhere, you can't miss it. And when that's happened, there's confidence to say it loud and say it proud. The magic words range from, "am feeling your shit(lol)" to"am diggin on you" to "i really like you" to "am crazy about you" till the words get shorter, more meaningful and more precious. Wonder if y'all know what am refering to( The most magic of them all). That's the natural way of it.

So when a brother skips all these steps in a misguided, sorry attempt to get himself some or whatever, I feel nothing but fury and rage. Fury that he thinks am not worth the fuss and rage that he would dare.

Sometimes I wish we were all asexual because of the shit I see, expirience, hear about. It's just not right. I would like that we all first like each other as people and then we go on from there to wherever. I don't know................Am I the only one that feels like this?

Hi, i feel shitty. Help

Lovely day but . . . .

Hello. am smiling but with a heavy heart. Why? Because I think am a bad friend. I don't have much time for my friends these days and not coz am busy, just plain selfish . Am going through a phase .I've made a late new years resolution: to start living for me. However, as old habits die hard, it's still killing me.

I decided that i wouldn't be taking no shit from nobody ever again; saying yes when I mean no, feeling embarassed on other people's behalf. No more of that! I do want to save the world but not while sacrificing myself.

By the way, my faith in the brothers peeked at me from it's hiding place today. Wanna know what happened? I spilt his drink and I told him I'd replace it. he didn't seem to hear but when i brought it, he said I shouldn't have. He said I was a lady and that it was an accident. Owww.Then he bought me a drink and left. Double owww. I'm freezing that picture of him in my head and I hope we never meet again coz the picture might get spoilt.

Am also glad that am having belly laughs with a guy I stopped talking to and didn't talk to for a year. As I said, the world's a beautiful place but. . .

I hate growing up except for the fact that I get to stay out later and later. One day, i won't have to go home at all! Muhahaha. And I thank God for my friend LongBottom, she's a real rock in a stormy sea, a diamond in the rough, and other equally profound things. She makes everything worthwhile. I recommend that everyone get themselves a LongBottom.

Life

Logged on to bitch about life, how it sucks and how I hate growing up but on my slow mainful journey to my blog, i found so much cause to smile so the moral of this story is: Life's full of shit but every cloud has a silver lining and if we make it a point to find that lining every time we hatin', It won't be so bad

Do unto others

Do you know of people who can't be bothered to include you in a conversation? They really get my goat. Forget poking your nose into things that don't concern you. Imagine a scenario where four people are engaged in a conversation and one gets left out. Much as they try to ask for an update, those horrible people only seeks to encourage the speaker, hence effectively leaving you, the lost person farther behind. What makes me madder is that when they get lost in their turn, they want to be brought up to speed.

Usually, i let them flounder abit then tell them what they want to know. am always hoping that they'll take a hint and see that if they didn't like it, then no one else will.

Am a firm believer in this 'do unto others ' business. It's so bloody simple! I don't get why people can't subcribe to it. It's for this reason that I smile into the phone when someone calls, regardless of who it is, I smile whenever I meet someone I know, I greet myclass mates before they greet me, I do things with no hope of repayment and all the other things that people don't think it pays to do.

Oh and if you like this idea, also listen to the ones that talk too much. It's not every day that they get a listener who doesn't end it by saying they talk too much. Bye

Must we benefit from everything we do? Doesn't it matter that we are making other people happy? Am not saying am an angel.I'd love to be one but am only human. There are times when I don't give a shit if the whole world is miserable but even then, I retreat into myself and wait it out. Then I put on my happy face and step out to embrace the sun!!!

Of false alarms and helping hands

Turned out to be a friend of mine pulling my leg. Where's the damn annoyed smiley? Hold up. Can't find it but i found the italic icon( smiles). Love italics. Wanted to talk about this whole idea of twinning.

You know, when 2 countries, one rich, another poor get together for mutual benefit? Okay, mostly for ours but they too benefit in terms of new ideas, sight seeing (in the case of exchange programmes), aclimatising, new environments, cultures and people.

I was just wondering; if a far off country like Sweden could put us on their budget through projects like CIDA and Redcross, how come we can't do it for each other? am talking about better off countries in Africa helping the not so well off ones to develope. it doesn't even matter in what sector: it could be the music industry, the education sector, whatever and wherever.

The point is to provide the opportunity for us to learn from each other, not be so stingy with our own little developments. And since we are talking along those lines, lets make it more local , say, a town in Central Uganda twinning with one up North. I don't know if am making much sense but I feel like it would really make the world a little better.

Secret Admirer

YEY!!!!!!!!!i made it back. i thought I'd never see the day that i posted twice on the same blog. lol. Today's a first, I've actually posted thrice in one day( probably to make up for the long stretches during which i shan't post). So... am abit embarrased at the earlier display of my incompetence( i posted the same thing twice) but bare with me, am learning on the job.

An hour ago, i was called up by a secret admirer. Am meeting him at a cafe I frequent abit later. I don'teven know why am considering it. Nah, that's not true. i know exactly why: I lack drama in my life, ama go generate some. Though its highly unlikely that it's for real(I betcha its some one i know, who I'd never get with in that way). That's just my lack: the one's I like don't like me and the one's that like me, I don't feel enough for. So, Tonight we see if my lucks finally changed.

ATALAST!!!!! MUHAHAHAHA

Hi there, u know how they say third time's the charm? They lied. I 've been trying to get into the bloody( forgive my French) blogosphere for about three hours. 4 tries later, am not even sure am in.

My name's Elle B. I study at the University and I want to grow up to make the world a better place. yes, I still wear my rose tinted glasses, aint about to take them off. Am also not ashamed to say that I have permanent stars in my eyes. I can't help it, my mother was really optimistic when she had me. It stuck. Hang on a sec, let me sign out and see if I can get back in. Ciao