LOST ONES

As far as I can remember, I have resented the lot that life cast me. I had made the best of it until recently. I can't do it anymore.

I stopped waiting for 'them ' to come get me but that doesn't mean am happy here. My days are for the most part dull and the only real pleasure I get is from being with people. Am not content with myself. I feel like there's more to my life but i don't see it. The time I spend by myself, trying to find the inner me ends up as brooding time.

Not good. I can't even honestly say I like the me that I am today. Am lifeless, my laughter comes less readily, smiles are automatic but not like they used to be. If you looked closely, you'd find that it's a false sunniness. I used to have happy go lucky days, all day, every day but now, they are few and far spaced. The reason I laugh these days is so I won't cry. If I was by myself, I'd scream.

Antoine Fisher made me see that it's not normal, If you ever find that you have a sudden urge to cry for no apparent reason, there's a reason, it's just well hidden.

They say hope's the last thing to go. We'll what does it mean if you drift from day to day with no sense of time, place or purpose? That you are hopeless? I don't know. Someone once told me that my joie de vivre left him breathless, I wonder what he'd say if he saw me now. My hope's slipping away and i can't stop it. it began in droplets, then a trickle, then a stream. The dam's clearly about to burst, steer clear.

I read somewhere that to be happy, I should expect little from life. I get that; Don't look forward to a lot so that every good thing that happens seems magnified by a hundred. Which normal person lets themselves hope for less than they know they deserve. I want to hope for a lot... and get it. In reality we can hope but we won't get all we want, tough luck. I detest having my hopes dashed against rocks. Am getting scared to dream.

i don't want to play this game anymore. I want out. I want to take a break from being myself. A holiday. Let me be someone else for a while. Am tired of being me. I almost understand suicidal people now;

you look for the meaning of life and eludes you. What's the bleeding point of it all? I can see why a weaker person would jump ship. I thought I knew why we were put here. To love each other, right? Apparently not. I feel like I've been reading a different book from the entire class all year and now it's exam time and I know zilch! The philosophies no longer work for me;

Give and it will come back to you?

love your neighbour as you love yourself?

Do unto others...? What did that all mean?

I put it to you again, people aren't reading the same book as me. As a result, my life is not unfolding the way my book said it would. Am in a battle against millions of enemies I can't see, don't know. I can't beat them, am tired of trying, but I'll die before I join them.

I wrote that last night. The night's a good time for soul searching.