ITS JUST A LITTLE CRUSH

Hey it's four in the morning, am attempting to brag about my newly found night life which is as unpredictable as the end of the world. Generally, it's non existant but once in a while... Something comes up. Enough already, lets talk about mutual crushes.

It's not everyday that these happen. Atleast not in my world. But when they do happen. Wow. I used to have daily crushes, as in." ooh, he's so cute." Then I'd swoon over the unsuspecting individual for twenty four hours and be ready to move on the next day. I thought crushes were overated: can't sleep? Can't eat? Yeah right! Pretty naive, I know.

Then came a time when a brother who was not even on my list of crushees showed up. I tripped him(totally by accident) and he(the trippee) asked me, the tripper, if I was okay. Don't know what it was about that concern. I saw crushes in a new light. You guessed it, no food or sleep for about 3 months. I finally got it: that loss of breath when you see them, The tingling feeling, the rush, the reading something into every little thing he did, everything.

Brother didn't even know that I existed but for three whole months, everything he did was because he was fighting his feelings for me(Atleast in my head it was). That was a crazy time but I finally snapped out of it. It stopped being fun and became painful cause he'd never know. I wasn't bloody likely to tell him, now was I?

After that, back to daily crushes or just hourly ones , then came another. Now this one, this one was precious. Still is though I be cursing that particular brother every moment I get. Officially, am supposed to not care but hey, am human, am entitled to slip up some times. You have any idea how wiered it is to go out with coupled up people when you are single? It's pretty lonesome I tell you. So here I am stuck with a couple of couples for three whole days on an island.

There's this other singleton, just one. A brother, thank God. So, I say to myself, " I better make friends so that when other people need QT(QualityTime), we can hang out and feel independently single". I swear I didn't see it coming... But that's not entirely true. I figured that the worst I could do was have me a weekend of outrageous flirting. I didn't see any harm in that.

Problem came when I realised that Mr. One Weekend Stand was anti social. Now's the time to admit my problem. Am a sucker for unreachable people. I'll either stay far away from you or try to wriggle under your skin. Brother was a looker and the few snippets of vocabulary i heard come out of him, screamed intelligence. There's something about a clear accent that turns my pages. That must be it, I can't think of any other reason why I decided he was for getting to.

That was the plan: reach out to him, Have us both a nice weekend and never see him again. Let me just say that he who digs a pit for the righteous man falls into it himself. I can tell you the exact moment it happened. He was blazed or tipsy on black ice and was just sitting there gazing at the bon fire. Whoever said never kick a man when he's down don't know what he's talking about. I advanced. Let me set the scenario for you:Oh, for reference, he's MOWS ie; Mr One Weekend Stand and am EB.

EB: Hey, U ok?
MOWS: Wha... Am good.
EB: What you doing? Meditating?(He was dozing actually).
MOWS: No, just gazing at the fire. You know why fire's so ... thought provoking... It's in that category...(Looking at me to see if i'm feeling him).

EB(your's truly doesn't dissapoint) Yeah, like the ocean, the sea, the sky.
MOWS: (impressed)Yeah, you can't quite figure them out
EB(out of intellectual things to say):Yeah
MOWS:I like fire the best. Its just waiting. It's like it's saying come and f**** get me.

Am not sure if the musings of a drunk man are to be taken seriously but I was hooked. Don't ask me why, I can never explain why. Maybe am crazy about well spoken men who occasionally let a swear word out and use it well, I don't know. We became friends that night but for the record, Being friends with the crush victim don't help none. I attached too much to everything we did and he didn't think about it twice. He'd ignore me for weeks on end and I'd be dieng to talk to him, When he left he never said goodbye. Am still cursing him for it and just when I thought I was moving on, he'd beg to take me out to coffee. I can only say it was mighty confusing on my part. But I loved the drama. When I think back, I know that my life hasn't been so boring.

Now, the mutual crush was just plain wiered but good none the less. You know how u meet a good friend of a friend? Well I was on my best behaviour because we were gon' hang the entire day. No use making a bad first impression. All went well until one night, he'd had abit to drink so the normally quiet individual stepped aside for he's alter ego. (Another time, we shall discuss this obsession with brothers under the influence.)God, I love having the attention of attractive people. What's not to like when each statement's punctuated by a caress of the arm or cheek, a pat on the nose or a sigh of my name. I felt wanted. Then girlfriend goes and spoils it all by bringing pics, one day, and saying, " Oh, look, that's XXX's girlfriend".

Don't worry, I wasn't that far gone, I just reduced on the intensity of my smiles, the intimacy of my conversation and the proximity. Then one day we are talking and he tells me he once had this huge crush on me but he stayed away till it went. I said cool. For that moment, I was the winner in these games of admitting things. Then some imp made me feel bad that I'd made him think he hadn't touched me at all. So I told him. Am proud to say that after I did that, I pulled even farther away, I wasn't about to become a third wheel.

Problem was that I sensed that he could and has, in the past, used this admission against me but I fought back and I won. As of now, we look at each other in mutual appreciation and proceed to discuss politics in modern Uganda or some such mundane topic.

I'd be lieing if i said I didn't think of us being together. Of him leaving his gal of a zillion years to be with me, the crush of his life. But I figured that he was probably better off with her. First of all, am incompetent in matters concerning the heart and I honestly wouldn't know what to do with him after I'd gotten him. Some times, I curse the fact that Mr Right is nowhere to be seen but then I think and realise that I have no where to put him when he comes. There's a saying that goes, "When the student is ready, the master will appear". Am thinking when am ready, he'll appear, too.