URGES

19.09.07
Let's talk about urges. Right now,am lying next to him and he is fast asleep. In his sleep, his neck is bared and I keep looking at it. I have the strangest... and strongest urge to bite it. Not real biting, just a playful bite.Enough to scare the little boy in him. The one who believes in vampires and things that go bump in the night. Yes, am that idle and that disorderly.

But I won't because he won't take it lightly. He knows am not one to do things for the hell of them. And yet right now, that's all it is. He'll call me kinky and proceed to bully me till am all blushed out.So I won't do it.Pity. I really want to.

Speaking of which, I'm having an issue with my limbs. They do not know a thing about cooperation. In my head, I have a mantra,"When people you like touch you, it's only right to touch 'em back." Show some affection for God's sake. My head gets it, my limbs do not. Case in point:

He's caressing my arm, lacing his fingers through mine, tracing patterns on my palm, and am not hating it. I want to reciprocate the gesture but I can't, for the life of me, get my fingers to close around his! The idiotic little things play dead as if am not pleading with them in my head to curl around his fingers. I tell them,

"Darlings, holding his hand doesn't mean we shall have to marry him, I promise."

Nothing.

" Please luvs, work with me here, he's going to think we don't care."

NOTHING.

"Okay, just wiggle to show me you are mine and are alive and well."

YOU GUESSED IT.

Am left looking at my digits, incredulous at this betrayal from a totally unsuspected sector."How can you do this to me?" I silently ask. No answer.

Amazingly, he doesn't throw my hand away in disgust.

Another case in point, we are sitting together and his barefoot finds mine. Am pretending that I still remember what I was talking about yet evaporation has already occured. Now, it's only polite that I make a token gesture of leg movement back, right? Waaa!!!!

You'd think my feet have never seen me before, the way they ignore my instructions. It's terrible. If you've watched kill Bill, you know what am talking about. There's this part where Uma Thurman's come out of a long coma and she's kinda paralysed waist down. She hauls her self into the back seat of a truck, stretches her legs on the seat and sets to work. She starts by willing her big toe to move. She trys untill she gets it to move. She works her way upwards from there.

Now, in my case. My legs give 'dead weight' a whole new meaning! Bloody things don't move, even if I start to mumble the commands coz telepathy has jam. Am even disgusted just thinking about it!

However, there's hope in the fact that I obey instructions; he says hold my hand, I can do that, he says slip your shoe off, cool. But I'm miserable that he and possibly others to come are going to think am an Ice queen. I swear I even seem unaffected to myself. SOS.

Global village

What a monotony life can turn out to be. Today i decided to try out my spanish with an actual Spaniard. I logged onto the web and got into a chat room for espanoles only. I got my work book ready and pressed 'enter chat'.

Escalantes (donno what that means) and amigos were flying everywhere but I picked a nicely named brother and started from there. I got throuugh the hi- hi part, then he said some wiered things and I was forced to admit i knew little Spanish but I asked if we could speak. He says cool.

In a little while, I was chatting with these 3 nice guys, and we was flowing. Okay, not flowing but stumbling along, to an extent. Then messenger friggin went off!

I mean, I was about to ask this one brother, Fransisco to 'oye mi canto' and then suddenly I can't reach him. Needless to say, am not very happy with this pc, but no sweat.

But ... I must say I learnt a couple of things:

1.I didn't know how to say, ' fine, thank you.' Now I do, it's, 'bien, gracias.'

2. Cool in spanish is 'orale', pronounced oralay with a strong r.

3. Sex in spanish is sex. Don't ask, i thought I was asking for hobbies.

4. Never trust messenger, it's out to make you suffer. Let me check if it's on now... Just as I thought.

Let me get back to my mundane life

RISE OF THE PHOENIX

Hey, it helps to write. Ever since my last block, I've felt lots better. I was watching fighting temptations and i cried for no good reason. That's okay, it was the residual sorrow coming out, now am fine. I remember why they left me here again. The philosophies begin to make sense. Sod, the world, it ain't my fault if they refused to open the book I chose, I'll tell them all about it.



These are the truths I hold dear;



I believe that it is in giving that we receive. It's karma, baby. What goes around comes around. The bible said it and so did Justine Timber lake. Damn, even Alycia Keys was in on the secret. Who am I to forget it?



Seek and you shall find? They wasn't kidding. You just have to put your back... and your heart into it. I was seeking reassurance, that what I believed was the right thing. I hit rock bottom but a day later, my aunt called for a get together: i was like a man would been wondering in the desert, I drank up all she said, every body seemed to be speaking to my soul, answering questions I couldn't even formulate.



Am brimming with enthusiasm! Can't wait to go out and heal the world... make it a better place... for you and for me and the entire human race... if u get my drift. I was reminded that I aint the only soldier on this battle field. We are like in the CIA, we can't always pick each other out in the crowd but we are there.

Love each other as you love yourself. How else are we supposed to fulfill our destinies? God wants us happy. Have you ever noticed how divine you feel after giving or sharing. It's coz u achieve a state of godliness. Those are the things God does for a living so when you help him do his work, he lets you feel a tiny bit of the glory. And it's enought to have you walking on cloud nine.

Problem is, I've been trying to lead 2 lives: one for myself and one for Him. No more. Ama mix 'em and see what happens. I got a song 4 y'all

seems like I always fall short of bein' worthy
cuz I aint good enough but he still loves me
I aint no superstar The spotlight aint shinin on me
(no no no no no)
cuz I aint good enough but he still loves me .

LOST ONES

As far as I can remember, I have resented the lot that life cast me. I had made the best of it until recently. I can't do it anymore.

I stopped waiting for 'them ' to come get me but that doesn't mean am happy here. My days are for the most part dull and the only real pleasure I get is from being with people. Am not content with myself. I feel like there's more to my life but i don't see it. The time I spend by myself, trying to find the inner me ends up as brooding time.

Not good. I can't even honestly say I like the me that I am today. Am lifeless, my laughter comes less readily, smiles are automatic but not like they used to be. If you looked closely, you'd find that it's a false sunniness. I used to have happy go lucky days, all day, every day but now, they are few and far spaced. The reason I laugh these days is so I won't cry. If I was by myself, I'd scream.

Antoine Fisher made me see that it's not normal, If you ever find that you have a sudden urge to cry for no apparent reason, there's a reason, it's just well hidden.

They say hope's the last thing to go. We'll what does it mean if you drift from day to day with no sense of time, place or purpose? That you are hopeless? I don't know. Someone once told me that my joie de vivre left him breathless, I wonder what he'd say if he saw me now. My hope's slipping away and i can't stop it. it began in droplets, then a trickle, then a stream. The dam's clearly about to burst, steer clear.

I read somewhere that to be happy, I should expect little from life. I get that; Don't look forward to a lot so that every good thing that happens seems magnified by a hundred. Which normal person lets themselves hope for less than they know they deserve. I want to hope for a lot... and get it. In reality we can hope but we won't get all we want, tough luck. I detest having my hopes dashed against rocks. Am getting scared to dream.

i don't want to play this game anymore. I want out. I want to take a break from being myself. A holiday. Let me be someone else for a while. Am tired of being me. I almost understand suicidal people now;

you look for the meaning of life and eludes you. What's the bleeding point of it all? I can see why a weaker person would jump ship. I thought I knew why we were put here. To love each other, right? Apparently not. I feel like I've been reading a different book from the entire class all year and now it's exam time and I know zilch! The philosophies no longer work for me;

Give and it will come back to you?

love your neighbour as you love yourself?

Do unto others...? What did that all mean?

I put it to you again, people aren't reading the same book as me. As a result, my life is not unfolding the way my book said it would. Am in a battle against millions of enemies I can't see, don't know. I can't beat them, am tired of trying, but I'll die before I join them.

I wrote that last night. The night's a good time for soul searching.