This too, shall pass

I had it all worked out...

2009-12-17T02:38:00.000-08:00

Life as we know it

2009-11-03T22:40:00.000-08:00

Of late, many things have been bringing home to me, the fact that the world will not wait. It will not wait while I mourn, while I make up my mind, while I drag my feet. It just has so much going, it can't afford to stop for puny little me to get back on board. This realization upsets me. Mildly.

Mostly, it motivates me to move, reminding me that now's the time to live, laugh, love and everything else I've been putting on the back burner. That said, I don't know any book quotes but am here to tell you that books are the ish. Why? Ama break it down for you. I know some one who's twice my age. The other day, I think out of desperation, she let rip about the state of her relationship with the love of her life. She wasn't happy and she had totally run out of ideas on how to make it work. Now, any one who knows me, knows that I've never been in anything that can even loosely be termed as a relationship. But she didn't know me that well so she had no misgivings about telling me. Anti you know how I be so mature and what not.

So here she is, telling me all these things and all I can do is tell her about the things I've read. So our conversation went something like this;

Her: I just wish he'd call me for no good reason. Just once!

Me: I read somewhere that men are not psychics. You have to tell them what you want.

Her: But why can't he do, for me, the things I do for him?!

Me: A guy called Steve Harvey wrote a book that said.....

Her: He doesn't even tell me his problems

Me: In Men are from Mars...

... and so on. Somehow, she stuck around for an entire hour and left with a new, improved and standardized action plan. And I felt powerful. So believe me when I say, Books are the ish.

Ah. Found it. Here goes...

"In the case of good books, the point is not to see how many of them you can get through, but how many can get through to you."

-Mortimer Adler (author)

BE SEEING YOU

2009-10-27T21:38:00.000-07:00

To think
I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard
Not to cry
And as we say
our long good byes
I almost do

- Run (Snow Patrol)

Hi Luv,

It feels wrong writing this. Never thought I'd see the day. I'm trying to accept the fact that you are not here, that the next time I go by your house, I won't be cueing up to make you smile. I'm working on using the right tense whenever I speak about you. It hurts afresh every single time.

You don't know this but I've really been looking forward to you. I couldn't wait to get to know you, find out how your mind works. I'd already pictured me imparting nonsense packaged as wisdom. I saw you getting it.

Keira, it might seem a bit strange but I guess its time I admitted I had you investigated. Yeah, babe, I did my homework on you using your birth dates. I couldn't discover your past, you didn't have much of one, but boy, did I catch a glimpse of your future. I found out what you would be like when you were all grown up. The stuff I found out said you were peaceful and affectionate. It promised you'd be a little tyrant, always aiming for perfection. It said you valued solitude because you were an analytical thinker of the first order.

You have no idea how much I was looking forward. I know that regardless of whether you'd turned out like my notes said or different, you'd have been a marvel because you've got the world's coolest mum and dad. Your numerous aunties and uncles and grannies aren't half bad either.

Everyone was shaken when they heard the news. Especially your grannies who'd seen you once or not at all. We forgot that life is fleeting, you seemed so solid, it never occurred to us that you could leave so... so fast. This might take a while to heal because your absence has left a gaping hole in our existences. But we are glad we got to meet you, if only for a month and a half.

You're beautiful, Keira and I don't have to say it, coz you already know,but we'll miss you.

I love you

Your aunt

CONCUSSION

2009-09-04T01:42:00.000-07:00

Y'all gon' make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here

Y'all gon' make me go all out, up in here, up in here

Y'all gon' make me act a fool, up in here, up in here

Y'all gon' make me lose my cool, up in here, up in here

DMX

Concussion: A traumatic injury to tissues of the body such as the brain as a result of a violent blow, shaking, or spinning.

To be concussed: To experience the above tragedy.

When I was little, a concussion meant running head first into a wall and seeing stars.

A bit later, it changed to falling of those wooden beams that they put up for renovations sake and landing on your back- and on your head (and having to crawl into the house because everything was paining and you thought something in your spine area might have come loose).

First forward, 23 years, many months and some days later, concussion's got a new meaning: sitting in a taxi on a Kampala road.

The amount of times I banged my head against the side of the taxi just yesterday was enough to make me keep checking for an indentation in the side of my skull. Where the hell do those drivers look as they drive. Granted, there's more pothole than road, don't they know about gentle navigations and what not?

The next time I hit my head, am applying for disabled status, I'm a step away from vegitabalism.

On a more pleasant note: I'm finally going to watch The Proposal. Yipeee!

WHEN HUNGRY, T'IS GOOD TO EAT

2009-08-17T03:55:00.000-07:00

Just picture a great big steak,

fried, roasted or stewed.

Oh, food,

Wonderful food,

Marvellous food,

Glorious food.

- Oliver!

That aside, You haven't eaten well untill you've eaten a meal that you made from your own sweat and blood (though I can't quite remember bleeding). Still, last Saturday was spent trying to eat. There we were minding our own business, planning to go out and eat when one of those neighbours who only live inside your TV showed up with a meal; Pasta sauce. His instructions were simple; Warm it.

As I mentally called dibs on the bigger plate, my host calmly informed me that the house was void of cookers or warmers of any sort. We had nothing to cook the spaghetti on and no way to warm the sauce. Bugger! He however quickly reassured me that the building next door had a surround- sound see smell kitchen. So we braced ourselves for the cold, carried our sauce and spaghetti and headed out to find a cooker or try dieing.

On arrival, it was clear things weren't about to get better. No one was home. The only silver lining in the whole business was a tiny puppy called Pombe who'd been locked in but was still content to wag himself from behind the glass door and generally make me wish I could carry him. After Pombe found more interesting things to do than make eyes at us, he went into hiding.

After that, the idea of a trip into town, didn't have the same appeal as before, considering I'd beeen making eyes at the sauce since it and I first met. But there didn't seem to be any other option. But I didn't want to move!!! Sensing my distress, G. I Jane (my alter ego) snapped into action. She made her way back into the kitchen, this time on assignment: Find cooking impliment or die trying. It worked. She , I mean, I found a kerosene stove covered in dust but full of Kerosene. To all the environmentalists out there, I know I was bad, but I was hungry.

Inspite of my renewed faith in God, providence and other mystical things that just are, I wondered what sadistic streak had made Host make us walk out into the uncertain rain, mud and cold.

me: Hey, why didn't we just use the stove?
Host: Stove, what stove? We don't have a stove.
me (pointing): This one right here.
Host: That's a stove(In genuine disbelief)? I thought it was a lantern!

LOL

Later, after the perceived mode of operation had been explained, I could understand how a mistake could have been made. It didn't stop me from laughing at Host though. So finally, we made pasta, ate pasta, digested pasta and couldn't move for pasta. Something about everything we'd been through to eat pasta made that meal the most delicious thing I'd eaten all year. I couldn't remember anything tasting so good!

TRUE COLOURS

2009-08-13T05:17:00.000-07:00

I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me, I'm my own worst enemy

It's bad when you annoy your self, so irritating

Don't wanna be my friend no more

I wanna be someone else

-Pink

Last weekend was wicked; we partied till 7 in the morning and long after the die hards had blacked out, I was going strong, on pure adrenaline! I had a ball (as usual, for all the wrong reasons) and didn't touch a drop of alcohol.

The next evening, I woke up energized. The world was beautiful, I mean, it had songs like Potential in it and MunaUganda and Kwata kwata. I can't remember which bazungu songs they played, for some reason. Things were going well untill I tried to stretch my mind to go over the details. It wouldn't go. I shouldn't have pushed; In a rush,specific events of the night before assailed me making me moan like I'd lost the love of my life. Even now, right now, I'm fighting a groan that begs expression. Why, you ask? Because, even if I've always known that I don't need alcohol to get onto a table and gyrate for all I'm worth, even I hadn't believed myself capable of some things. Now don't go calling the cops, every thing was legit, it just made me scared of and for myself, that's all.

Alcohol makes men bold and women loose, right? Uhm, could we have the definition of loose please? And does it become null and void if you haven't been drinking?

Lightening and Thunder

2009-08-06T04:36:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I still need to get me some of that.

I'm saddened by permanent departures. A friend's going back home and chances of ever seeing him again are minimal. Its sad. And there's all those promises you make in these situations; to write, send pics, spend each day on skype but there's something about the distance that makes you lose the bond that proximity gave you. Something about forgetting what their smile looks like and how they had a silly dance move that they'd perfected (and how they used to sprawl on the grass when under the influence). I wish he didn't have to go.Oh well, we meet to part, part to meet and what not.

Eh, good news: Great things are coming my way. Now, don't think ill of me but I was googling, as I'm wont to do when... no, I remember how it started, I think I was googling the conspiracy theories on why MJ turned white when I came across this article that said he had a '2 line path'. My mind lurched onto this and by the end of the day, I'd discovered numerology and the fact that mine is a 5 line path.

Now, while there, on the numerology website, I glanced to the side and there was a psychic beckoning me. Yes, I gave in and she told me many nice things but couldn't give me details till I paid her some money. Kati, according to her, I'm on the brink of a life changing expirience so if I give her money, she'll tell me what to look out for, if I don't, nga it passes me by. Now what are the odds that I'm sending my ka hard earned cash to Carlifonia?

In other news: Alcohol makes men bold (and women loose but that's not the point).

I HOPE YOU DANCE

2009-07-22T01:55:00.000-07:00

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
Have your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take a single breath for granted
God forbid, love ever leaves you empty handed

I hope you'll still feel small when you stand besides the ocean (see lake)
whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
living means taking chances that are worth taking
Love, it might be a mistake, but it's worth making

Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out, reconsider
Give the heavens more than just a passing glance
and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance
- song by Lee Anne Womack

PS: Yes, I know its corny but its deep. Admit it or die trying. If I wasn't bored from miming it to the mirror,humming it day in and day out for 2 weeks... and, okay, carrying it in my wallet, I'd hunt down the audio wossname in blogger and launch my first- single- by- another- person.

PPS: Streetsider, don't hate, its okay to be in touch with your feminine side. Hallmark of a tru brother

PPPS: It's a 10 year old song so what does it mean that it has come to me at this moment in time. The universe must be speaking to me!

At an impasse

2009-07-01T02:35:00.000-07:00

I want to be a transformer when I grow up!

Jesus, I need to get in touch with the sensitive me. Invite her to move in. I think I hurt some one yesterday. This business of avoiding depth is not as user friendly as I thought it would be. Yeah, my mantra this morning is, " I'm a shit, I'm a shit, I'm a shit". I throw in some token, " No, you aren't-s " But the prevailing opinion is thus.

Was looking through my journal last night and it seems that I know what to do, I'm just not doing it! It's right there, at the top of every page: Slow down, slow down, slow down... But am afraid to slow down. Whirl wind works for me, doesn't it?

Right. I'm...slowing...down.

PS: I need a new self hep book. Can anyone hook a sister up with The Secret?

BLOGGER WHISPHERS

2009-06-25T22:00:00.000-07:00

1. Mr. Streetsider sir, there's a bullet somewhere with your name on it.
2. Really digging this mass writing biz. Shall we publish when we're done?
3. Here goes nothing.

The instructions:
1. You take the story, and give it your own unique twist.
2. Link back to the blogger who whispered to you and or include their name in your post.
3. Whisper the new challenge into the ear of a blogger of your picking.
4. Let them know by leaving a comment at theirs.
Pass it on with the instructions!

Maama Jacob woke with a start. Her body and bed were drenched in a cold sweat and ice clamped around her heart. It didn't help that even with her eyes wide open, swinging from one corner of the room to another, she could see nothing. The darkness was total. She took a deep breath and fought the irrational urge to lunge for her bedside torch.

She'd had a horrible, horrible dream. Of that she was sure. What she couldn't remember was what it had been about. Something about a luminous computer screen. But that was stupid. The only computer she'd ever had- which, at that moment was sitting under a pile of old stuff in the store- hadn't worked in eons! What could have been so frightening about a mere computer?

'Return of the killer Mackintosh', she mocked herself, trying to still her vibrating heart. No, that wasn't nearly scary enough. 'Night of the living PC'. That felt okay but surely she could do better. And then she had it. Sounding a drum roll under her breath, she said as loud and as clearly as she could, 'THE MOUSE'. That elicited a chuckle from her. Suddenly, she felt worlds better. She decided to go check on her babies since she was up.

Ellyn made her way carefully through the dark corridor. She knew every turn and potential trip point in her head. For her, switching on the light, after that nasty dream, would have meant she was afraid. She wasn't. When she reached the room Jacob shared with his little sister, she switched on the light . Standing by the door, watching them sleep, she was reminded of how easily she could have had no one to take care of. Jacob, she'd expected. She didn't regret what she'd had to go through, even as her mind shied away from the string of events that had brought him to her. Sarah on the other hand, was a total miracle, she was born a year and a half after Jacob. She'd been totally unexpected. Maybe...maybe if she'd known that all she had to do was wait a little longer, she wouldn't have... but that was all in the past now. Best to look ahead.

Sarah slept peacefully: on her tummy with her palm cupping her sweet apple-round cheek. She was a beautiful child. So beautiful that sometimes, it hurt looking at her. She'd inherited her daddy's long face but had put her own little label on it with her shapely nose, full lips and long lashes. She'd be a beauty one day. Problem was, she knew it and used it against any and everyone.

Jacob,on the other hand, slept with nary a trace of softness. He lay on his back with his bed covers tossed to his waist. He seemed rather ...stiff. For the first time, Ellyn noticed his arms taut at his sides, one little clenched fist visible. He seemed to be resisting something in his sleep. The idea worried her and she rushed to sit at his bedside. She stroked his face and his little fist, all the while whispering promises of comfort and safety, telling him how much he meant to her. She hoped he could hear her from wherever he was. Her dear, dear boy.

Maama Jacob. That's what they called her but she han't felt like his maama in ages. They used to be joined at the hip when he was smaller but lately, well, they weren't. Was it right for a boy so little not to need his mummy? These days, the only person he seemed to open up to was Hez, and even that wasn't necessarily a good thing.

Hez the grouch. She smiled at the thought. He spent so much energy acting mean, no wonder he always looked tired and irritable. It made sense that he didn't want anyone's pity but surely he could discourage it in another way. He did such a good job of playing ogre that almost everyone half feared, half revered him. But with Jacob it was different; he actually seemed to love the boy! If she had no other proof of Hez's goodness, that alone was enough.

She was brought out of her reverie by a little hand clutching hers. When she looked down, Jacob was awake, silently enduring her mindless caress. She watched, startled, as twin tears seeped out of the corners of his eye's . Holding her palm to his cheek, he whispered brokenly,

" I won't let me hurt you mummy. Promise."

Okay. that's all folks. I'm whispering this in Esquire's ear.

Amorphophallus Titanum

2009-06-24T22:56:00.000-07:00

That right there is someone's idea of a scientific name. I'm either getting smarter or the namers are getting dumber. I remember when I could hardly pronounce the things: Enchilada Arachnida detrathopalas. That one's made up but it used to be that bad.

Amophallus Titanum'sa good, solid name! This flower's real name is "corpse flower".Yep, there are flowers out there named after dead bodies. I hear it's the biggest flower in the world. Wonder why they called it a corpse flower? No, it does not look like a spread out dead body at night... No, it doesn't grow on abandoned bodies, or graves, or crypts or whatever you're thinking.

Here's a hint: It emits chemicals with names like Cadavarene and putricine.

THE BUDGET 2009

2009-06-12T03:12:00.000-07:00

Budget Breakfast, Hotel Africana

8:30 am

Points to note; a) ****is not going to make my life easy. I need to resign myself to that little fact... What's with the Honourable Minister making rounds... Didn't catch his name but I shook his hand. Yey.

7- 7:50: Budget Breakfast
7:50- 7:55: Introductory remarks by Secretary
7:55- 8:00 Welcome remarks, President
8:35-9:00: Tax implications of the budget
9:00...

I think I don't like****. It's something to do with the evil grins. Yeah, the breakfast is going very well, thanks. It's going so well, I want to leave.

I don't feel bad, I just feel ill used. But here, I can take all the calls I want. So maybe it's not that bad & God knows, if I was doing this by myself, I'd have this thing down in one. I hate the budget breakfast.

That looks like a sturdy shoe. A bit scary but none the less, firm on the ground. I'm sitting near a dustbin. It looks like a small pillar but I know it's a dustbin. WBS reporter. Crass. I'd say he's ill bred but there's something bout his face that suggests deliberate impunity.

Shouldn't be complaining. The part I was looking forward to went really well. Breakfast. But I'm mad that I have to be on the registration detail when the love of my life is sitting at a table facing where I was sitting!!!! Most gorgeous accountant I ever laid my eyes on. Reeked of power (shiver, shiver). I could have made eyes at him all morning but check were I am, aargh!!!!

Woosa

Wish I'd worn jeans. I'd never have unleashed my power skirt if I'd known I was gon' be a bouncer.

I see pretty shoes but I ain't getting into that. My prettiest pair hurt my feet the most. I look at them and I think to myself, corns, chilblains, bunions, and other ailments we learnt in Home Econ. Then I wear them. Who remembers the kid who said they knew Elbow Grease and then proceeded to describe what kind of tin it came in and what it looked like. Lol. That was funny.
Anyway, the highlight of this situation is that I don't have to take any bleedin' notes. I bet *** never thought of that. Huh!

Eh-eh, some ki man just came at me with a vague smile and stole my pen! Smile. People are looking.

PR's good. Its what I would describe as a smile-bang affair; smile in public, bang my head against the wall (till I bleed) in private.We aim to please.

See you at next year's breakfat. I mean breakfast.

CHOOSE THOUGHT OVER EXCITEMENT

2009-06-07T04:18:00.000-07:00

Some one said something that I can't get out of my head. He said, " It's high time we exchanged excitement for thought" . He said it to a crowd but I felt like he was talking about me. Hi, my name's Elle and I'm an adrenaline junkie. I've been clean 12 hours (not by choice).

I shared the idea with a friend, later that night;

me: Brother had a point. Maybe thought should replace excitement in my life.

Her: Really?

Me: Yeah, it would save me quite a bit of unnecessary drama. Then in a moment of rebellion: but thought never put food on the table!

Her (all excited now): True, true, and yet. . . excitement could put you on the table.

That clinched the deal. We're sticking with excitement.

Unemployment S2,E1

2009-05-21T18:10:00.000-07:00

4:30 am
So... the job thingee didn't go as planned (in my dreams). I'm back on the streets, nah, that's a lie, am back in my bed. Dreaming, scheming and planning. The other day, I slept through all the garbage guy's efforts to take out our trash. See, with the coming of a job came common sense; I'd learnt to take the trash out the night before. Exit job, exit sense. But no sweat. It gave me something to laugh about. Back in the day, I used to sleep through his knocking on the door and then fall out of bed on his last attempt. By the time, i'd reach, his truck would be pulling away from the gate.No energy to shout, I'd cook up some excuses (like he never showed) for sisters dearest or bribe the gate guy to go chuck it somewhere if I'd missed entirely too many opportunities.

It was so bad, i used to dream about the rubbish man, for crying out loud.I once dreamt that I was married to this rich guy who insisted that we have a butler. When I heard the knock (i guess i was subconciously waiting for it), I asked Stanley, our butler, to take out the trash. Yeah, you guessed it; Stanely disobeyed a direct order.

Enough about the Rubbish Diaries. The only reason I'm awake at this hour is coz am in a strange house, strange bed with strange creatures that keep making noises every time I get comfortable. I thought house sitting was all good but I'm rethinking it.

I don't do idle well. My favourite pass time these days is pacing. Exhausting business. I'm trying to psyche myself to carpe diem or die trying but I seem to be doing more of the latter (trying to die) than anything else. I need a plan.

Eh, and I've just finished Steve Harvey's Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man. Armed with this useful information, I'm going out into the world and demanding that the men I date get my bill (no more splitting coz I don't want you to think am after your dimes. Steve says I'm powerful and shouldn't give a bleep what you think), open my doors and pull out my chairs. I think it also said something about massaging my feet but I have to get back to y'all on that one.

Mind your own hair (or try dying)

2009-04-20T05:46:00.000-07:00

My contract ends tomorrow. I'm a bit dis interested about whether they'll retain me or not. I love this job and all, would give anything to stay but there's nothing I can do today to change the verdict. I shall be weighed, measured and NOT found wanting (I hope). Besides, change excites me, at least for the first day or 2.

In the mean time, I'm getting 'serious' calls from unbelievable relations;

Her: " Rosette, I've decided that we should cut off your dreadlocks"

ME: 'what?'

Her: "Yah, I 've seen a new style for us"

Me: 'Seriously? '

Seriously! Where do people get the nerve. Meanwhile, I wasn't allowed to snigger into the phone coz she was at her most serious. No playing. So we are not talking till "I've thought seriously about it". I guess am going to be a mute were some people are concerned.

I'm in suspended disbelief and I aim to forget we had this conversation. I'm upset at her and the entire business. Not sure why. Maybe its coz I don't sit around contemplating what I think my siblings should do with their hair.Seriously.I'm even getting a tummy ache and early frown lines. Bet it's her fault!

NB: It occurs to me she means well but I'm pissed anyway.

From the hills of Mt. Elgon to Bujumbura

2009-04-16T23:44:00.000-07:00

Geez, getting into my blog is as irritating as a bit of Kikati that won't come out. Anyway,, Everything I said about boyfriends, marriage and elopment, I take back. I want in. It's not a boring existance after all. It's a grand epic! Twists, turns, intrigue... and ..cut my tongue off....romance. There I said it. Will take some getting used to but I'll learn to stomach it.

I went for my brother's intro yesterday and left changed. It ought to wear off any minute now but while it lasts, ama preach about love and what not. Uhm-uhm (clearance of throat). Love is a good feeling, man kind gotta keep it flowing... I know, not very original but man, yesterday was a tear jerker; I'm sitting there in the Bako tent looking pleasant but unattainable, you know how we do.

Happy to be abit bored, not understanding a word of the Kirundi flowing between tents, generally minding my own business, when Nicole walks in. Man, radiance has a name. Her name. and then David goes to meet her and her brother mock- blocks him. They have a ka easy tete a tete and he lets him come closer. Nicky began to cry!!!! If that wasn't the sweetest thing. And then they sat together wa wa wa.

Next point of contention came when he got down on one knee in a spontaneous move that no one saw coming, and asked her to marry him. Water works once again. This time I joined in coz it was getting out of hand. Really sweet. And the night before, when I saw the wedding rings and her engagement ring, yeah, they got me, those silly bands of metal!

So... after all is said and done... How does one go about having all that without actually going into it. Do I do a run- away bride immediately after the ceremony or what?

PS: To my utter horror, my greatest fear is NOT failure, it's worse, much worse.

NEWS FROM BEYOND

2009-01-27T03:53:00.000-08:00

No, am not dead. Alive and well actually. I'm dedicating my days to perfecting my telephone approach. Smiling into the phone's never been my problem. It's sounding mature that's hustling me. In my s6 vacation, I wanted to thank an auntie for letting me work with her. I got chided for my efforts. Thinking back, it makes me shake my head in disbelief but anyway, here's a rendition

me: Hello? Hi Auntie

Auntie: Hallo (in a sing song voice which if I'd thought about it would have struck me as being used on toddlers and babies)

me: Auntie, it's Rosette. I wanted to...

Auntie: Why have you stolen mummy's phone?

me: What?

Auntie: Put mummy on the line so I can talk to her.

Let's just say I haven't called her since.

THE WAITING GAME

2009-01-23T01:34:00.000-08:00

The plan is to get comfy in this skin. I was destined from the start to wait for things. However much I rant and rave,nature is determined to teach me patience. Atleast that's what I keep telling my self.

So... I got me a job. Been making regular visits since November last year. I come in early, at times leave late. I transact things am sure are coming back later to haunt me and I like what am doing. Funny thing is, am not hired. Yeah, you heard right; the contract's been ready for ever but the pips in charge of signing it keep dieing, falling sick or plain having a bad day. So am waiting.

In the mean time, i swing around in my chair and giggle in near hysteria at the fact that no ones clued in to the fact that i might not be 'all there'. I'm working my corporate persona. sooner or later, these moments of panic I have when no one's there are going to stop.

PAST LIVES

2008-12-26T14:13:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I sit back and speculate on factors responsible for the way I turned out. I come up with lots of ideas. The one that appeals to me most is that my present day character is a mixture of all the things I've been in past lives. Every facet of me is a remnant of a whole personality that once existed.
Having settled on this explanation, through a lot of research and hard work , I came up with a list of the more recent lifetimes;

1. A hoochie. (complete with pink feathers)
2. A vampire bounty hunter, complete with the leather outfit and dominatrix boots
3. A raving beauty who became a recluse coz she was causing riots. And finally...
4. A nobel laureate (can't figure out what for yet).
5. A nymph (wood spirit)

I have no evidence of any of these personas except number 3. I'm afraid to elaborate but... here goes; I look into the mirror alot. Yeah, most people are closet 'look-in-mirror-a lotters' but it's different for me. I don't look because am vain. Nope. I do so because I keep expecting great beauty to be thrust upon me. And am not even playing.

BLOG's CLASSIFIED

2008-12-14T09:06:00.000-08:00

ETERNAL COSMETIC BOO WANTED

A seemingly normal young lady is looking for a companion to make her family stop looking at her wierd.

QUALIFICATIONS

1. must show lots of affection in public, none what's so ever in private. Ama shoot you.

2. Must be mature (in public anyway)

3. Must be highly impulsive with a proclivity to make nonsensical decisions (I'll support you all the way).

4. A deep knowledge of every thing grim, wiered, fantastic and fun. This info will come in handy when you hear the magic words, "We need to talk".

5. Lots of level headedness and insight is required since even I aren't sure what we're dealing with.

NB: I'm kidding. But I was thinking it.

2008-12-02T08:04:00.000-08:00

I HAVE CULINARY SKILLS- NOT!!!

2008-11-17T02:18:00.000-08:00

Am I half a woman coz I can't cook? Should I prepare for gross theft of husband because someone else is going to fill his stomach with non- poisonous food? Writing about it, I begin to panic but otherwise, I know its not my fault that every one starts panicking when I enter the kitchen.

It's ridiculous: when ever I try to cook, my heart winds up in my mouth and I panic, sweat and pray. Of course, one out of ten times, I perform miracles and pips look at me askance, the other 9, however, every one starts to fidget as supper draws nearer, with the brave ones running to their rooms feigning sleep or intense headaches.

For that matter,I have decided that HE must be a chef or we are not going anywhere. Or at least he should know how to cook, or he should like to take me to fang fang like twice a week, what... Otherwise, we are so ****ed.

GROWING PAINS

2008-11-12T02:12:00.000-08:00

The interview went well. Infact, it went so well, it lasted whole day. But, am not hired. Yeah, it's complicated. But no sweat, no one ever died of ' no-hire-ance'.

The last time I had a job opportunity, it was a gig in Kasese. I was going to cover a one week conference. The pay promised to be good and everything was going well till I asked for permission to go. Okay, maybe not permission as such. Am at a stage where am slowly easing away from that. These days, I say it like it is: I tell them what they need to know when am halfway where I need to be. It works most times, not this time however. here's how it went down with my big sister;

me :Am going to Kasese for a week (walking away)

her: No you're not. (popping another nut in her mouth, eyes never leaving the tv)

me : Eh- eh, it's work and it's official.

her: How are you going to get there, where will you stay, do you know these people?

me: It's all sorted. I don't even need to know them, I just want their money.

her: No.

me: But am grown up! I can do what I want! (immature whining voice. gone is the adult of a few minutes earlier)

her: Rosette,(in a know-it all- voice) I've lived more than you. The world's full of conmen, waa, waa, waa, waa, waa (at this point am not listening)

me : I don't care. If they steal me, it's my body. my mistakes, my... (she's bloody walking out on me!)

her: Ask mummy.

me: but you're my guardian!!!

By this time I'm yelling but she' still popping those bloody nuts. cool as a cucumber. AAARGHH!!!!

The whole thing degenerated from there. she called my mum and fed her some kind of serial killer story. By the time my mum called, she was panicked; she'd received word that a certain serial killer had lured me to Kasese and I was going, come hell or high water (I'm kidding about the serial killer but the story she'd got was almost as twisted). To cut a long story short, I didn't go.

This Thursday, I have another gig in Kyenjojo. I told sister dearest last week, and then again yesterday. from her reaction, you could have sworn kasese never happened. she asked a few info- seeking questions, gave me upkeep and gave me 'permission' for want of a better word. I wonder what happened to change her approach to my life.

CARPE DIEM

2008-11-05T10:10:00.000-08:00

My new blog's paining my eyes but I like it. So, having decided that I will not wallow any more. I've been thinking constructive thoughts. It occurs to me that I forgot about an interview all because I was so busy wondering how to beat the boredome (abashed grin). But never fear, am going to present myself there tomorrow, last I checked, he had kind eyes, lemme go see if I was mistaken. I'll report back. I'll say I'd had a... very bad...allergy of the sole.

Obama is president. A black man! and it's not even bleeding 24, it's real life. I keep forgetting to believe it. Am happy for all black people all over the place.

Right, lemme go ogle my new template and decide if I like it or not.

NB: This won't sound very mature but isn't he the cutest thing! I can see where Obama Girl was coming from.

BOREDOME FOR BEGINNERS

2008-11-04T07:02:00.000-08:00

Today, am in a mood. I'm in the mood to share my deepest, darkest secrets and I don't care if they come back to haunt me. Let's start with songs that make me wail ;

1. Do me, I do you- P square. I'm kidding.

I'm so bored, I could spit. What does one write about the inside of a house where one spend's all the 24 hours of one's day, most days. I don't know. Gone are the days when I used to wake up anxious to show my housemates why we don't need a maid. I'd wake up and clean up from top to bottom and when they'd come back, I'd enjoy helping them gently pick their jaws up off the floor. Now I don't care. Okay, that's not true; I narrowly don't care.

Haven't had a good belly laugh in ages so my energy is low. I can't even think good idiotic thoughts and yet I thrive on a good snigger. No inspiration whatsoever.Lots of boring facts everywhere I turn.

I have this idea of making the biggest mural ever. Okay, not ever but one that could go from wall to wall (in my small room). i have the canvass and everything. Only thing i lack, as mentioned earlier, is inspiration. so, every morning, i get out of bed, spread out my materials, look at the canvass for five minutes, then on and off for about an hour. Finallly, I gather it all up and return it to whence it came. Hate it. But Ill try again tomorrow morning, without fail.

Highlight of the week: i taught my sisters how two step a la Soldier boy.It was wicked!!!! For maximum grasp of the concept, you need to understand that they are both the most proper thing you ever saw. But they were game. I guess they understand that idle minds are the devil's workshop.And lord knows am idle.

THE CASE OF THE SHRINKING BLOUSE

2008-10-28T12:33:00.000-07:00

I'm at a point where I think the weighing scale's lying to me. It shows the usual size but everyone I meet greets me with, " what are you eating?" or, " some bum!" or, " huh! That ka hip". I wear loose., snug and fitting clothes. They all garner the same response. What to do?Am at wits end. I feel like carrying the scale around with me so that when they are about to say anything, I just hop on and give 'em a smug look.

Anyway, just when I thought things couldn't get worse...

I'm looking through my wardrobe for what to wear when I come across the cutest white blouse. I haven't worn it in a while so i think to myself, "hmmm, why don't I hit the town in this one.Last time I looked, it fit me veeerrry nicely." So here I am ironing, feeling sorry for the world coz they don't know what's coming. Then I put the blouse over my head and.........bugger: am stuck! I literally can't make the blouse go over my head.Bugger, bugger, bugger! For a second, I panic. Oh my God, am fatter than i look! Oh my God(making teary sounds). Life has lost meaning. I don't look like Beyonce, as originally imgined. No, not quite, think more towards Queen Latifah, no, not her, Monic. Now, I like these chicks but, really!

Slowly, i ease out of it.I hold it up wondering how I could have let myself go so much. Then i get another shock. The bloody thing isn't small, it's been friggin reduced by my beanpole sister! Yes, I can clearly see the original stitches and then the alien ones. Oh... I'm so glad! I knew I was more Beyonce than Latifah, I don't know how I could have ever doubted myself. Now wait till I get my hands on her.

THE CELESTINE PROPHECIES

2008-10-25T03:43:00.001-07:00

My new blog title: you're not listening! Atleast that's how i feel most of the time, these days. I read a book that finally explained why we are here. Apparently, it's not so hard. In a nut shell, we are here to consolidate and pass on the good values of our parents and those before them.Our kids will also pick the best from us and so on and so forth...

I'd really love to share this newly acquired insight but there's a problem. See, the book says we shouldn't think that we've stopped evolving, actually, the evolution has gone spiritual; We are evolving into spiritual beings. Then there's some yack about quantam leaps and finally, we are all going to... disappear! yeah, that's how I felt about it too. But I badly want to disappear so am not throwing out the book yet.

And it says we all have energy firlds around us and many other things like all living things have energy so do not be shy to hug a tree coz you'll share energy thus making u both stronger and bringinging the day of disappearance closer. I had a particular little bush in mind, for the hugging expirience but I reached it too late. found it dead. felt really bad.

PS: if you ever wondered what happened to the Incas and the Mayans, here's a newsflash:they achieved mass disappearance. Oba how can i explain! Okay, you know how the elements vibrate at different levels, kati us, as we achieve more spirituality, we begin to "vibrate" faster till we feel lighter and then we just vibrate too fast for anyone (without significant en energy) to see. It's complicated but I am hell bent on disappearing. Watch this space.

NB: Am back to my spanish lessons incase I encounter some Incas post dissapearance. Promise to write and tell all.

After dark, my sweet

2008-08-22T06:09:00.000-07:00

I'm empty. no rage, no happiness. Searching for that 'elusive obvious'. Read that in a book long time ago, Can't remember what it was in reference to but sure fits my situation. Let me think, 'what's to look forward to?' Hmmm...nothing.

I should start writing the great African novel. I promise to make it dark and twisted so that pips can think I was Shakespeare's cuz or something. I think the sicker, the better. Problem is, I have a rebellious spirit, heart too. The rest of me has agreed to be evil for the rest of my life, The aforementioned won't comply. How, do I know? Well.. the horror stories I write end with the heroine falling in luv with the ugly, dark twisted thing that's been pursuing her the entire time. And she nurses his hurt and heart and then they run away together to start a life away from the cruel world.

Embarrassing, isn't it. Anyways, I've made up my mind: today, ama start writing the ultimate horror story. Good may truimph over evil or vice versa but absolutely no one will get mushy. Promise. Lemme get to it. xoxox.I mean... death to the west, skulls and cross bones, fire and brinestone...

EMPLOYMENT... or lack of

2008-08-08T13:14:00.000-07:00

It's a wonder am still allowed in here. Been so long. So... If I do the maths right, I've been out of school for two months. It feels like bloody forever. I'm already feeling like a ne'er- do- well; no job, no money, living on hand outs and all that mess. I'm free lancing for a news paper but that don't mean anything significant.

Let's share the most heartbreaking experience this season. Made even worse by the fact that there's no brother involved so I'm not inclined to go over it with a fine toothed comb. Here goes;

An advert for the ideal job with the American Embassy presented itself. I couldn't believe it but I actually friggin qualified on all fronts!! I did the necessary leg work, got all the details I needed and dived in head first. Kati, keep in mind that they needed a well spoken person who was familiar with the predominant cultures in Uganda. There was this major emphasis on good English and grammar. I swear, I could already see myself happily married to the Ambassador's youngest son, or whatever.

Then, two days after handing in, I happened to glance at the soft copy of my CV. The horror, the shock was unimaginable. You know that part where u put, " NATIONALITY:", I'd written, "UGANDA". And if u don't get the horror in that then you're just as bad as me.

HOW I AM AT PRESENT

2008-04-26T07:25:00.000-07:00

I'm finishing school in two months. Yippee! After that, I've made up my mind; Am eloping. Don't ask me with who. Am not even sure it ain't with what. Am tired of being here, possibly tired of being in this skin, this body. Am reading a book that's actually making me anxious to know what I'll be in my next life. The book assures me that I'll still be human because my ancestors did their homework, or something. I'm out of ideas on how to get over this infinite boredome. I need some blogger senga shizzie up in here.

On a more pleasant note, or not, I applied to PWC. That's price waterhouse coopers. They specialize in accounting. I can't do Maths to save my life but they assured me that as long as i want to be there, i can be there. So now, they have my form. Did I tell you about the form in question? Well, it was designed by an expert in discouragement. There's no circling or writing one sentence. Them, they like essays. So naturally, I lied for all I was worth in some cases. But am not looking at it as lieing. I was 'thinking outside the box'. Then they wanted all my marks from P2 onwards so that they can see if they are getting themselves a hidden genius. Am praying for them.

Excuse me while I go look for something to burn up. I'm idle .

More self help books and music that speaks to the soul

2008-04-11T00:34:00.000-07:00

Hey, I know I should be reading deeper books but I chanced upon 'He's not that into you'. I couldn't help myself. I knew I knew it's contents but good lord, did it drive the points home for me. Ofcourse I steered away from some points, for example, ' He's not that into you if he isn't having sex with you.' Gosh!! Am glad he's not doing that. How can i fault him?

That little book had me pegged in one. All those excuses I make to prolong the torture were in there. I was kinda embarassed. but no more.

Anyway, the rest of my life is uneventful except, there's a certain Dj who likes me. It's crazy. He let me know he's intentions. I've never seen a brother who don't mince words like this one. Totally freaked me out. Then he just disappeared after I had fought my way through the dictionary in an effort to tell him to slow down.

Now, I thought it was all over till I tuned in last night. I couldn't sleep. So, I tune in and all the songs seem to be reminders of all the things he said. At first I thought I was just conjuring up images then this song came on. It's a swahili song about a girl called Rosa who is being difficult, refusing to hook up. This might not mean much to you but to me... See, he's part Kenyan and was convinced i was too for a while.

It was he was speaking to my soul. I swear, if I had had credit on my phone there and then, I might have done something typically me(called and said something like, "why didn't you say something earlier? Dop you know how long I've waited?")But reality kicked in with the absence of credit so no harm done.

So, i got unrelaxed, as apprehensive as hell and proceeded to have insomnia.But it made me laugh when the sun came up so he's okay in my book.

NEW SELF HELP BOOK

2008-02-11T04:27:00.000-08:00

That's what I need. On how to play dumb without wavering.

By the way, my darling of the compalining fame, even if i could shed u off, I wouldn't. Luv u too much .

About those old relationships, I'm so over with them. I hate to throw out people but sometimes, we need space to heal.

Someone explain to me how... I don't even know how to put it. I've been abridging and standardising my resolutions. I've resolved to think and be serene. You may think it's wiered for me to resolve to think but I hardly do it. I usually go with what feels right. It's been working in the past but with alot of drama thrown in. I don't like to think because it upsets me, gives me a headache sometimes. This year, ama think like i've never thought before. Not too long, just long enough.

Think about what? Many things; the repurcussions of going out on a date with someone you are sure is not making it past first base. Like the repurcussions of leaving things too late so that I can rely on the adrenaline rush to get them done on time. Like the things i let out my mouth, many things

Concerning serenity, no arguments. Ama let all anger and rage wash right over me. Confrontations are so exhausting, they leave me feeling drained. No more. If we don't agree, we agree to disagree. No drama.

Got punk'd today. am still reeling. Am also going to need a book on how not to be sooo gullible. I swear a 2 eyed man can tell me he actually has 6 eyes and I'll believe! I need to become just abit more cynical. Guilty till proven innocent. And, to whom it may concern: am determined to hook up with a vampire!! Atte brothers with false teeth need not apply. Sorry, am not making sense.

2008

2008-01-09T07:38:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year to you all. Any new years resolutions? I have a couple, ranging from the outrightly stupid to a few sensible ones.

One of my resolutions is to shed off those old relationships that weren't going any where. Make a fresh start. Towards that end, am conviniently loosing phone numbers and email adresses. Oops

I want to resolve to live my life on my own terms but I don't know what that involves. The people that I know, who do that, don't do it very well. Even as they vow not to take shit from anybody, they are not above giving it. I need to find a balance but I don't know how to.

I can't think of the others but some one I know wants to involve in excessive kissing this year. Crazy, yes, but am putting it up for consideration- kidding.

THE DEVIL'S WORKSHOP

2007-11-03T05:05:00.000-07:00

One night, while in that twilight zone between sleep and wakefulness,I had a revelation. It suddenly dawned on me, why women think 'marriage' soon as they look at brothers. Bleep the fact that they may never hook up, it just happens, if only for a second.

Pity when I woke up the next morning, I couldn't remember.

We have a new maid. Chick is special. She's as thin as a pole and rather old. Problem is that she's so active. We spent her first week of arrival trying to out-kneel her. She kneels for anything and anyone but we've been raised to kneel for our elders so, while am fighting modernity and kneeling down, She's already down greeting me, then am struggling to raise her off her knees coz it's wrong for her to kneel to me... Lemme just say, arrival at home is long, akward and leaves me filling silly.

She also likes cleaning things, come home on a hot day and take off your blouse to cool off. Next time you see it, it will be happily swaying in the wind, wet and on the line! Oh, and she washes your shoes too, on arrival.It's crazy

You know how sometimes you wake up in the morning to see what the world looks like?When u plan on going to the bathroom and then coming straight back to bed? That's a thing of the past in my household; as soon as she sees you zombieing past her, she sneaks into your room and lays your bed!!!

My sisters say her days are numbered. I think I might have convinced them to let her stay if she hadn't said the house has posessed windows

On a lighter note, someone was showing me why I shouldn't close my face book account. We came across a hilarious game called 'orgasm', You replace a word in a movie title with the word 'orgasm'. For example;

Return of the orgasm- Return of the Sith
Honey, I shrunk the orgasm, you know what that one was.My personal favourite was, GET ORGASM OR DIE TRYING- 50 cent

It's just a thought

2007-10-31T08:31:00.001-07:00

I might have been a creature of the night in my past life. I probably went to bars which had clienteles that included boogeymen, vampires, ghouls, mythical creatures, werewolves.... I probably got involved in a love triangle that featured a werewolf called Lasher and a vampire called Amadillo.

What's to be done when a brother sees you coming from far, diverts and then pretends to just have seen you when you pass him by? Keep walking.

My roomie is still recovering from my tales of incubuses and succubuses or is it succubi? Give her nightmares, she says. muhmhmhm. I wonder whether to feel sorry or not.lol

I know that life likes to stab you in the back all the time. It likes to hit you where it hurts the most. If life realises that you have a weak spot for something, it's gon' press down, and hard.So I've got me a remedy: act like you don't care about anything. That way, it doesn't know how to toy with you and it leaves you alone. It's working but it's bloody dull.

Am feeling Dido's see u when yo 40

2nd Edition, new, abdridged and standardised

2007-10-12T03:50:00.000-07:00

I'm turning 22 in a month or two. My list of things to do before I turn 25 is long and untouched. Not a single crossing. But on a brighter note, I have decided to re-invent myself. Here's a partial list:

for reference's sake: Before Re-invention(BR), After Re-invention(AR)

BR;
Daily routine is as follows: room, class, room class, room, class, room, class, room class...
AR;
room, class, room, all nighter@ wherever, room, class, room class, room, step out for the evening, room, class,room,class,room class, be unaccounted for, room, class...You get the drift.

BR;
Invited to a party? Here's before: Dress decently, smartly, for the day. Go to class, be careful not to get dirty. Head straight for the party after . With my satchel bulging with books.
AR;
Get back from class, shower and primp till am running late. Look for a diva- like outfit, high heels. Tiny, almost negligable black purse. Yeah, then am good to go.

BR;
Opposite sex relations.
Wow, I had so much fun! How nice you are! Can I have your number?
AR;
That was fun. Bye.(No more asking for numbers first. There are unbelievable repurcussions)

BR;
No lip gloss
AR
Lip gloss. On a regular.

That's it for now. Am still looking for things that might need enhancement.

Meanwhile. I proved that it's not only alcohol that makes people bold. Coca-cola does toO. Check it out: I saw some two nice boys dancing the coolest shuffle i've seen in a while. I so badly wanted to be taught so I run through a couple of cute opening lines (in my head) and took a fortifying gulp of Coke. I spent the night learning all sorts of routines. It was fun. Which causes me to wonder; do we hide behind the alcohol? Do we do things well knowingly and then blame them on the drink? I don't know. All I know is that after I've drank about 3 bottles ofCoca-cola, I feel like I can conquer the world.

URGES

2007-09-23T16:06:00.000-07:00

19.09.07
Let's talk about urges. Right now,am lying next to him and he is fast asleep. In his sleep, his neck is bared and I keep looking at it. I have the strangest... and strongest urge to bite it. Not real biting, just a playful bite.Enough to scare the little boy in him. The one who believes in vampires and things that go bump in the night. Yes, am that idle and that disorderly.

But I won't because he won't take it lightly. He knows am not one to do things for the hell of them. And yet right now, that's all it is. He'll call me kinky and proceed to bully me till am all blushed out.So I won't do it.Pity. I really want to.

Speaking of which, I'm having an issue with my limbs. They do not know a thing about cooperation. In my head, I have a mantra,"When people you like touch you, it's only right to touch 'em back." Show some affection for God's sake. My head gets it, my limbs do not. Case in point:

He's caressing my arm, lacing his fingers through mine, tracing patterns on my palm, and am not hating it. I want to reciprocate the gesture but I can't, for the life of me, get my fingers to close around his! The idiotic little things play dead as if am not pleading with them in my head to curl around his fingers. I tell them,

"Darlings, holding his hand doesn't mean we shall have to marry him, I promise."

Nothing.

" Please luvs, work with me here, he's going to think we don't care."

NOTHING.

"Okay, just wiggle to show me you are mine and are alive and well."

YOU GUESSED IT.

Am left looking at my digits, incredulous at this betrayal from a totally unsuspected sector."How can you do this to me?" I silently ask. No answer.

Amazingly, he doesn't throw my hand away in disgust.

Another case in point, we are sitting together and his barefoot finds mine. Am pretending that I still remember what I was talking about yet evaporation has already occured. Now, it's only polite that I make a token gesture of leg movement back, right? Waaa!!!!

You'd think my feet have never seen me before, the way they ignore my instructions. It's terrible. If you've watched kill Bill, you know what am talking about. There's this part where Uma Thurman's come out of a long coma and she's kinda paralysed waist down. She hauls her self into the back seat of a truck, stretches her legs on the seat and sets to work. She starts by willing her big toe to move. She trys untill she gets it to move. She works her way upwards from there.

Now, in my case. My legs give 'dead weight' a whole new meaning! Bloody things don't move, even if I start to mumble the commands coz telepathy has jam. Am even disgusted just thinking about it!

However, there's hope in the fact that I obey instructions; he says hold my hand, I can do that, he says slip your shoe off, cool. But I'm miserable that he and possibly others to come are going to think am an Ice queen. I swear I even seem unaffected to myself. SOS.

Global village

2007-09-20T05:05:00.001-07:00

What a monotony life can turn out to be. Today i decided to try out my spanish with an actual Spaniard. I logged onto the web and got into a chat room for espanoles only. I got my work book ready and pressed 'enter chat'.

Escalantes (donno what that means) and amigos were flying everywhere but I picked a nicely named brother and started from there. I got throuugh the hi- hi part, then he said some wiered things and I was forced to admit i knew little Spanish but I asked if we could speak. He says cool.

In a little while, I was chatting with these 3 nice guys, and we was flowing. Okay, not flowing but stumbling along, to an extent. Then messenger friggin went off!

I mean, I was about to ask this one brother, Fransisco to 'oye mi canto' and then suddenly I can't reach him. Needless to say, am not very happy with this pc, but no sweat.

But ... I must say I learnt a couple of things:

1.I didn't know how to say, ' fine, thank you.' Now I do, it's, 'bien, gracias.'

2. Cool in spanish is 'orale', pronounced oralay with a strong r.

3. Sex in spanish is sex. Don't ask, i thought I was asking for hobbies.

4. Never trust messenger, it's out to make you suffer. Let me check if it's on now... Just as I thought.

Let me get back to my mundane life

RISE OF THE PHOENIX

2007-09-15T11:25:00.000-07:00

Hey, it helps to write. Ever since my last block, I've felt lots better. I was watching fighting temptations and i cried for no good reason. That's okay, it was the residual sorrow coming out, now am fine. I remember why they left me here again. The philosophies begin to make sense. Sod, the world, it ain't my fault if they refused to open the book I chose, I'll tell them all about it.

These are the truths I hold dear;

I believe that it is in giving that we receive. It's karma, baby. What goes around comes around. The bible said it and so did Justine Timber lake. Damn, even Alycia Keys was in on the secret. Who am I to forget it?

Seek and you shall find? They wasn't kidding. You just have to put your back... and your heart into it. I was seeking reassurance, that what I believed was the right thing. I hit rock bottom but a day later, my aunt called for a get together: i was like a man would been wondering in the desert, I drank up all she said, every body seemed to be speaking to my soul, answering questions I couldn't even formulate.

Am brimming with enthusiasm! Can't wait to go out and heal the world... make it a better place... for you and for me and the entire human race... if u get my drift. I was reminded that I aint the only soldier on this battle field. We are like in the CIA, we can't always pick each other out in the crowd but we are there.

Love each other as you love yourself. How else are we supposed to fulfill our destinies? God wants us happy. Have you ever noticed how divine you feel after giving or sharing. It's coz u achieve a state of godliness. Those are the things God does for a living so when you help him do his work, he lets you feel a tiny bit of the glory. And it's enought to have you walking on cloud nine.

Problem is, I've been trying to lead 2 lives: one for myself and one for Him. No more. Ama mix 'em and see what happens. I got a song 4 y'all

seems like I always fall short of bein' worthy
cuz I aint good enough but he still loves me
I aint no superstar The spotlight aint shinin on me
(no no no no no)
cuz I aint good enough but he still loves me .

LOST ONES

2007-09-14T03:40:00.000-07:00

As far as I can remember, I have resented the lot that life cast me. I had made the best of it until recently. I can't do it anymore.

I stopped waiting for 'them ' to come get me but that doesn't mean am happy here. My days are for the most part dull and the only real pleasure I get is from being with people. Am not content with myself. I feel like there's more to my life but i don't see it. The time I spend by myself, trying to find the inner me ends up as brooding time.

Not good. I can't even honestly say I like the me that I am today. Am lifeless, my laughter comes less readily, smiles are automatic but not like they used to be. If you looked closely, you'd find that it's a false sunniness. I used to have happy go lucky days, all day, every day but now, they are few and far spaced. The reason I laugh these days is so I won't cry. If I was by myself, I'd scream.

Antoine Fisher made me see that it's not normal, If you ever find that you have a sudden urge to cry for no apparent reason, there's a reason, it's just well hidden.

They say hope's the last thing to go. We'll what does it mean if you drift from day to day with no sense of time, place or purpose? That you are hopeless? I don't know. Someone once told me that my joie de vivre left him breathless, I wonder what he'd say if he saw me now. My hope's slipping away and i can't stop it. it began in droplets, then a trickle, then a stream. The dam's clearly about to burst, steer clear.

I read somewhere that to be happy, I should expect little from life. I get that; Don't look forward to a lot so that every good thing that happens seems magnified by a hundred. Which normal person lets themselves hope for less than they know they deserve. I want to hope for a lot... and get it. In reality we can hope but we won't get all we want, tough luck. I detest having my hopes dashed against rocks. Am getting scared to dream.

i don't want to play this game anymore. I want out. I want to take a break from being myself. A holiday. Let me be someone else for a while. Am tired of being me. I almost understand suicidal people now;

you look for the meaning of life and eludes you. What's the bleeding point of it all? I can see why a weaker person would jump ship. I thought I knew why we were put here. To love each other, right? Apparently not. I feel like I've been reading a different book from the entire class all year and now it's exam time and I know zilch! The philosophies no longer work for me;

Give and it will come back to you?

love your neighbour as you love yourself?

Do unto others...? What did that all mean?

I put it to you again, people aren't reading the same book as me. As a result, my life is not unfolding the way my book said it would. Am in a battle against millions of enemies I can't see, don't know. I can't beat them, am tired of trying, but I'll die before I join them.

I wrote that last night. The night's a good time for soul searching.

THOUGHTS

2007-08-28T11:49:00.000-07:00

I was wondering if anyone can explain to me the native american's plight. They are so left out, I keep forgetting that they are found in America.

I've been thinking abit on this gay issue and I think i've found out where I stand on the issue. I think it was Clinton that advocated for the 'don't ask- don't tell' policy for gays in the military. Am not sure who encouraged it but the idea was that people shouldn't ask their friends if they are gay and gays shouldn't say that they are gay. It saves everyone alot of trouble. could we not effect that?

Am also wondering about what business we have with what people do behind closed doors. If they are two consenting adults, why the hell not? I know, it's biblically wrong but do we honestly think that they haven't thought about that? That they don't beat themselves up about it, on a daily? I donno, i believe it should be a live andf let live policy. And i'd appreciate it if they didn't rub their gayness in our faces. We are human and can only take so much.

EXTENDED VACANCES

2007-08-21T06:24:00.000-07:00

I like to sit and review my world, I bring everything into focus and see how many things are going right and how many aren't. I like the days when everything seems to have a tick. It pains me to have to put x's on some things. Today, I came up with a couple of x's so the day is tinged with a slight grey which disappears when i forget. Am considering living in limbo, on that note.

In Mbale, out of every three people, one is Somali. They are a darn pretty lot, all curly hair and bronzed skin.. and good strong teeth, if am seeing well. But they chew wiered things and spit in public. eeeeew.

No one wants to build homes anymore, some one must have told the towns folk that the money is in accomodation so everyone has turned their house into a hotel or an inn or a guest house, if not the main house, atleast the garage, it's crazy. But not a bad idea since there are many bazungu around. I wonder what they are looking for, I can't see any tourist sight except the mountain.

To tag a blogger

2007-08-19T07:19:00.000-07:00

Woe is me. 10 years later and I haven't tagged anyone. So here goes, Am tagging Indiana, Jasmine, Joshi, Iwaya, Baz, the 27th comrade, Eddie, Savage. . . are they 8 yet? and everybody else. I know for a fact that most people on the above list have been tagged already but am turning a blind eye.Bear with me. Now, to tell them they've been tagged.... No, wait, the rules: 8 facts about yourself, people. And for obvious reasons, if you've been tagged, say so so I can report to the tag authorities that it's your fault and not mine. luv ya'll

WASSAA

2007-08-08T08:13:00.000-07:00

Hello people. am ill, i have flu and cough, atte my cough is not that sexy one that makes you feel sorry for the pretty young thing sighing in her hanky next to you, pretending to be coughing. Has any one ever had a cough that makes you feel like your lungs have an outer coating of some heavy metal so that when you inhale, you fill like you are trying to lift a table with your teeth? And when you laugh, you end up hacking? Well, that's not how I feel...kidding, that's exactly how I feel. I've thus decided to put my laughing days on hold. For now, I just sort of hiss through life.

Els, do you remember how those adolescents in S.5 and 6 used to laugh?Maybe they didn't in your class but they did in mine. It went something like," ts ts ts ts ts ts ts ts," I finally get it. They had bad coughs and didn't want to put their fans off them.

I read the 27th comrade's article on how girls can't seem to talk about much else, save life and love. I swear he pegged me in one. I decided to dedicate my week to speaking, writing and thinking of anything else but. It wasn't easy. I tried to talk about politics, I ended up repeating myself,

" This regime is bad."

"It's soo oo bad!"

"My God, the badness of this regime.. (shaking my head)... it defies understanding." Suffice it to say politics was a flop. But I know that when i think it, I see pictures in my head of people throwing doves and making peace signs. Isn't that enough?

Then I tried to talk money. Now there, I surprised myself. I have many business Ideas running around in my head. I kept talking to a friend of mine about investment ideas, business plans, making your money work for you. I was pretty impressed with myself.

I read 'Rich Dad, Poor Dad' and I haven't looked back since. It's all in my head right now but in good time. My dad was telling me about "our property", if he'd known that as he talked, i was mentally breaking and expanding structures, selling off others, He'd have freaked and disowned me. It got me wondering if I feature anywhere in his will. I bet he's only left me some brown goat I saw and liked on his farm. Untill recently, he thought i was not very steady so I was kinda, 'special', Now, when I tell him 'intellectual' things, he fights hard and well to hide his surprise. YESSS!!! He even seeks my opinion these days.

AM COMING UP SO YOU BETTER GET THIS PARTY STARTED.

PS: Am at the first internet cafe in Mbale town so prices are just short of extortion. gotta go, mwaa. All the Bagisu say wasaa?

HOLA

2007-08-03T08:41:00.000-07:00

Hi. Thanks Joshi. I was gon' stew in my ignorance for a while longer. Eight facts? Okay, here goes.
1. The firstest way to win your way into my long term, short term and mid term memory, possibly my heart too, is to tell me awe inspiring stories about vampires, were wolves, hauntings, ghosts, the occult, mythical creatures. . . . Don't run away. Am just saying.

2. I believe in love but secretly I think am going to die alone coz I feel like the one am waiting for ain't coming. And am not bloody settling for less! Sorry.

3. Am studying communication of the mass variety but as soon as i finish school, it will be the last thing on my mind. I want to be an airhostess and i don't care that the urge was supposed to pass with childhood.

4. I talk alot. I talk my way out of situations, into situations. I talk.

5. I can't think beyond the end of my nose. I have to strain. You know when they ask you, " where do you see yourself in 10 years?" The answers I give are lies. I don't know how to tell people, " I can't see myself."I live each day as it comes. With minimum planning for tomorrow: eg ironing tomorrow's clothes.

6. My mummy thinks am a time bomb. She's just waiting. Am a good child but she's convinced that any day now, am gon' go rogue. At first I thought she was being unfair, now am not sure. Am scared actually. But I have such presenceof mind, where is this ninja stuff going to pass where I shan't see it?

7. For about2 years now, I've been writing in code in my journals (Da Vinci code forever!) But recently, I asked myself, "why the hell am i hiding? This is my book. Am supposed to friggin express myself? Why must I use code. Why must I allude to things and not actually say them? There went my code. Now, i write in the queen's English and swear however, whenever i want. Some of the things am letting myself say are shocking but ... I don't quarrel, I can't abuse anyone and some facts find it hard to leave my mouth. So am making good use of my book. It's easier to vent there.

I think my sister is reading my journal coz she looks at me kinda funny. these days. But I got that covered. I wrote in there: if you have no bloody biz being in this book, get the hell out. And u better smile when you see me!! lol. So she can't quite confront me with info in there, She'll be admitting to invasion of privacy and she'd rather die than do that. I degress.

8. I want a boyfriend. I don't want one. I want, I don't , I don't, I want one, I don't bloody need one, but God said... No, St Paul was telling only the brothers, but... Shut up, we are single and we are happy, okay? (In a small voice) Okay... But... SHUT UP!!! That's were I stand on the issue of relationships.

9. I feel like my family doesn't understand me and I don't get them either but my mum makes an effort and I love her for it.

Oops, you said 8. I like to talk. See ya

OH, BUGGER!!!!!!!!!!

2007-07-20T04:07:00.000-07:00

Hey, whadya know? Blogger.com is up and running to day. Cool

Nothing to bring me tumbling off cloud nine like a nice healthy case of embarrasment. I went to say hi, and 'well done' to pretty boy. All I got for my troubles was a hounding from about 5 avenging angels. All making sly remarks and pulling me to sit with him. I swear he was more uncomfy than me. And it had been going so well! Where's the bloody 'cry' smiley!

I had succeeded in walking away, twice. Attachment levels were at a record low and ... I was winning. Now, am on the bottom rung again, probably not even near the ladder. Blast them all to hell and back!!!

I got a very glowing recommendation from my boss here. All he didn't add was that I should take over his position A.S.A.P. But that's ok, am not yet ready. BUT I WANT TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to make a resolution that is guaranteed to save me anymore embarrasment in my life, Just can't think what.

Wamma this is what happens when u have an office romance. On a larger scale, ofcourse. Father, save us from office romances. Let me go bury my head in some papers and wish upon myself a slow painful death and eternal muteness so i never put my foot in my mouth again. You should have had me blubber. Am so blushed out, my mind even shys away from what I said, It's one big void.

Now, i have to kid about it after work when all I had planned to do was smile. DRAT .

IT'S OVER

2007-07-19T05:12:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the last day of my internship but I decided to make my report now because blogger. com is unpredictable. I hope wordpress is worse. I 've written my report, lied in many places but basically said all that i needed to say, all that they wanted to hear. Internship has been the bomb but I have to say I shan't miss waking up at 6 and running to catch the bus.

I remember tiptoeing in the corridors because my heels kept clicking against the tiles. These days, I click for all am worth because I don't give a *bleep* who hears me, and the people are too nice to say anything.

What have I learnt from here? Nothing I can put in writing except that,everyone should have a job and a pc at their table for free internet, elevators are our friends,avoid the over friendly office messenger, smile, no office romances either. Everyone seems to think it's wrong so I've decided to agree with them.

Am going to miss sitting with pretty boy at the end of the day, on the bus. He's so bloody funny that I consider a day without seeing him, a waste of god time.

Someone congratulate me. He's the first brother I've liked( A-lot) without crushing on him. I mean, I don't even have his telephone number. I think am growing up.

Am going to miss Rama teaching me 'sexy swahili' . You just say the words with a lilt in your voice and stereo. Sounds pretty good.

Am going to miss Joan who had made it her mission to have me saved before I left this place. Babe, I'm changed but not as much as you'd hoped. But don't worry, am working on that.

Everyone in this office was really wonderful. I'll remember them for making me forget that I was supposed to be slimming. My slogan was "lose a pound or die trying". I didn't lose the pound and am done trying. I like my food.

There's so much, Oh, and I'll miss running to the bathroom for a breather. Them bathrooms be spacious so when I needed a break, I'd head on there and stick my head out the window for a while. No, I didn't wave at any planes.

Okay, I did.

But just once.

It is dawning on me that it might be a long time till I blog again after I leave. So, while am away, let me just say that I love y'all. Even Jasmine who's trying to confuse me into forgetting that she hasn't yet invited me. Ciao

TOLD YA

2007-07-12T00:16:00.000-07:00

It has just hit me that today's Thursday and something called blogger happy hour happens on days like this. I can't wait to meet some of the greatest minds, I've ever seen. I'll be on my best behaviour, I swear.

PS: what's the standard response when some one uses 'Well done' on an introductory note? Is it
* same to you
*Thank you
* What have I done?
*What?

I WAS RIGHT THERE WHEN IT HAPPENED!!!

2007-07-11T22:43:00.000-07:00

Am sitted at the saddest pc in the land. I've been trying to sign in for two days straight. Have you guys heard about the slaying machine. The one which shocks you into belief? All my scepticism has come back. And yet, do you realise that that shock has changed a zillion people's lives? For as long as they believed that it was God that had touched them, their lives were changing and now, their source of miracles has been exposedfor what it truly is, UMEME. It's crazy, this psychology business.

You know what, a wiered thing happened this week. I discovered I have a strong psych. Two things happened. I had a rubber band round my wrist and without looking, i sought it with my teeth and tagged. it was abit too elastic but strong, nonetheless. I looked down abit later only to discover I'd totally missed the band but I could still feel it between my teeth(my two sets, I mean)!

Another day, it was extremely chilly and I wore my scarf. I worked for about 30 minutes only to look aside and discover my scarf on the floor. It had slipped off my shoulders and fallen to the ground. But I was so warm! When I realised, I began to cool. Rapidly.

That tells u just how strong the mind is. It's really all about belief .

I have special powers! Yippee! The power to make things exist. I've always known I am a mutant. Don't worry puny humans, I shan't harm you.

The elevator videos have lost their novelty. I wish they hadn't and the closet's beginning to look normal. Depressing business.

I've decided to find God again. We was on a hi-hi basis but now am trying to stick around and talk. I went for fellowship(at work) and I learnt that we have to pray for everyone because when God sends retribution, he's gon send it to the entire land, not just the culprit. So y'all need to apologize for all the bad things happenin, the witchcraft, murders, . . . even if you don't do them. They call it 'standing in the gap'.

While in the fellowship, a pastor said that brothers be rushing for holy sisters because these girls be shinin like the sun. When he said this, The lady that had invited me hit me so hard, under the table, I couldn't help but take a hint. But that would be a wrong reason to get saved, wouldn't you say?

Today is going to be a good day for me, I can see it. Usually, I get up at six with difficulty, today, I was 'sleepless in Kampala', by 5:30. I shouted the whole house awake, had breakfast(a rarity) and caught the first bus to work(usually, I run after the 3rd and last bus). I log onto blogger.com and I've got it in one.

This week has been so monotonous but today...I have a special feeling about today, I almost sense drama on the horizon.Am still not sure if I want to be the star or just a part of the audience.

Oh, about the title , I'm practising how to write eye- catching headlines. How did I do? (Tiny snigger.)

ABOUT A GIRL

2007-07-09T04:57:00.000-07:00

This is a re-affirmation. LOVE EXISTS, and not just love, TRUE LOVE. I know that somewhere, there's a person going to inspire thunder, lightening, earthquakes and other natural phenomenon.

Am waiting for that ONE for whom I will sincerely be willing to die. Right now when I ask myself if I would actually die for someone, I come up with a gazillion of excuses and the few yeses that come out are with a dozen hearts.

I know that I might not meet him or her (kidding) in this life time but untill I bloody do, am waiting. And this business of settling for less, HELL NO!! People tell me there will come a time when Am lonesome, shapeless and ugly and he's not there. So what? I'll be waiting for him in the next life. . . with a baseball bat. But am patient.

Hey, let me give you an update on the Crush of My life. Haven't seen hide or hair of him and no one seems to know where he is. As I told you earlier, am done asking (but not eavesdropping.lol)

Anyway, this is a sad state of affairs coz my crush is slowly slipping away. I don't want that coz my life will cease to have drama. I like drama . . .in small doses.

Elsewhere in my world, I met a handsome and, get this, intelligent boy at work. i know it's not going anywhere but the thrill of making friends( cute ones) has refused to let me be. I'd told myself I'm done inniciating friendships but two days ago, he smiled me into speech. He's leaving in a week so am not going to get so attached.

I realised something, No, it's not a realisation, it's a question? Am wondering why brothers who purpot to like me don't feel the need to spend any time on me. I swear, when I think about it, They come in clicks, laugh x2 and then hung back when their friends are leaving and try to lay strategy in 5 or 10 seconds. What the hell? Aren't I good enough for a date? They never bloody ask! Then they call me difficult. This business of sending texts that make you have more questions than answers, what's the moral: I'll be overcome by confusion and go fling myself in their arms?

I KNOW WHAT LONGING SMELLS LIKE

2007-07-06T04:27:00.000-07:00

I really do. It's a sweet, rather pleasant smell that gets swept in quiet easily only to clutch your heart in a tight fist and hold your tummy shut!

No, I didn't smell it at the sight of a brother. It was quite odd actually, I was pulling an introduction(Kwanjula) card out of its pouch and my nose detected a nice scent in the air, I took a deep breath and next thing I knew, I was careening into Paining-heartville. I honestly don't know where it came from.

I can't put it down to seeing the card. Am personally against Kwanjulas and all for elopement. I find the idea of living in sin all our lives very appealing. Oh, and no babies. I don't see the use of giving rise to a progeny of confused people. One's enough; Me. Plus, I have a hard time making those baby sounds. I get embarrased.

On a nicer note, I have discovered the elevator in this building. It's all chrome and mirrors. I have made like 4 music videos in there sofar cause they are always sending me to other floors. It is often deserted so no sweat. Am thinking of turning it into a music studio then you guys can pay me per second. I just need to start packing costumes. Hollywoood, here I come!!! Muhahaha, Muhahaha. No, am not crazy, just exhausted from trying to log in. Ciao

IN THE CLOSET

2007-07-03T05:11:00.000-07:00

Hi. I've been working at this PR office a whole week now and I think I can honestly say I want to be a PR werewolfess when I grow up. Am the secretary's secretary, I do the dishes too. Not to worry, there are also times when they make me do intellectual things like reply letters, write stories for their magazine and... and... other intellectual things. Anyway, now to what's got me really excited about writing this post: The closet.

Right next to where I do the dishes is a closet. It has all the cleaning impliments but ample space. Ample space for what? Am about to explain;

You know how, in the movies, the hero and the heroine start walking down the corridor and then suddenly he pulls her through a small unobstrusive door, then hours later they emerge, dishevelled and radiant? There's such a door at my office!!!! How romantic. Every time I pass by, I throw it open hoping to catch someone to snigger at later. But nada.

Am almost angry that these people are not putting that closet to good use!! If they aren't careful, am going to do it myself!! I just need to find out where the hot doods are @ in this joint. I thought I'd found one. I mean, brother spoke like Zeus on the telephone. Ah well, shit happens. But that closet...

THE SEQUEL

2007-06-29T01:13:00.000-07:00

After writing that last post, I can almost understand how date-rape happens. It's all based on assumption. It's not true that men are similar to women. In actual sense, they come from Mars and we come from Venus. Before the date, the chick's probably thinking

*Today, am going to spend some time getting to know this brother
*I won't take everything too personal
*Maybe i'll let him hug me
*I might let him kiss me good night, depending on how it goes
*Wonder what our babies would look like: they better not have my ears, they can have his nose

Then the guy, on the other hand, might be thinking
*Have to look good, she's finally said yes,yes!!
*Wonder how long till I get to lay her. Knowing these chicks, It's gon be months!
*We'll see if she's worth the wait
*I need to play my cards right, look out for the signals

So,when they go out, she's as sweet as hell and he's gentlemanly to a fault. when he holds her hand, she lets him take it. When he puts his arm round her shoulder, she reminds herself not to take it personal and loosens up. In the car when he touches her knee, She says to herself, 'don't worry, he's just reminding you that we are here, in this moment.' Then she thinks she won't let him kiss her good night cause she's already let him do quite abit, he might think she's loose. So when he walks her up to her door and she puts out a hand to shake, doesn't get it.And the chick also thinks tis her fault, that she led him on.

A lesser man will think WTF? She's been leading me on? I don't think so. . . and then the chick gets raped becuse 'she wanted it' or she 'had it coming'

Maybe the best thing to do is to keep it extremely platonic on date one. No matter how much rapport you have. No unscheduled touching. Better yet, say it loud and say it proud, "I don't get down on the first night, or the second or the third or..." Date two, you can afford to loosen up a lil bit.

On a serious note 'ASSUME MAKES AN ASS OUT OF U AND ME' and that's for real. So... don't assume someone knows what's going on, ensure that they do.You dig?

TAKE A STAND.

2007-06-28T23:49:00.000-07:00

My minds wondering, am about to forget all the wonderfully profound, intellectual things I want to tell you. I . . .can't. . . remember.Oh, here comes one;

I was going to tell you that in christiandom, there's a saying to the effect that there comes a time when a christian has to stop running(from temptation, persecution...) and stand(to fight, I presume). I have a story to share.

Two gentlemen from Kenya came to our office this week. They were staying for the entire week and had never been to Uganda.I work in the PR department so I got to spend about two days with them. They were interesting gentlemen. I got along better with one than the other, you could say we hit it off. We seemed to compliment each other perfectly;we finished each others sentences. We had the same ideas, broke into the same tune when we was bored, I swear, it was uncanny! I might have thought this was it if he hadn't been 45years old, married and with kids my age. Plus he was wearing dreadlocks. Long ones.

Maybe am a hypocrite;I have dreadlocks too. I, for one, should know that people are not their hair but there was something about this particular rasta man which told me he'd be a marvelous friend:knowledgable, adventurous and comic but to let it go further would be murder. Once again, Els doesn't believe me when I tell her I can see them coming from a million miles away but once again I did .

He didn't do anything out of the ordinary, He was chilvarous all the way, flirted a little, nothing scary and joked(those ribald jokes which make chicks blush and men roar with laughter). I decided to give him the benefit of doubt but his colleague kept making things seem personal.

The dilemma was that Rasta Man (RM) hadn't done anything wrong yet but I saw it coming and I wanted to avert it but didn't know how. Plus his colleague was there trying to set scenes that didn't come. i got a triffle upset. RM and his friend suggested I take them around Kampala and I said I didn't mind. At some point, we exchanged numbers and when he called me later in the day. He asked me not to tell my boss about our arrangement. That made me feel like I was part of something I didn't even know about. I got worried.

I thought about just standing them up. But that would have been rude so I thought to myself, how about I call them and talk about the worst family crisis ever and how i can't come. That might work. Then that saying hit me. 'Take a bloody stand, man!'

So, I bought credit and called. It was pathetic. Something like:

Rasta Man(RM) AND ME (EB)

EB: He...hello?
RM; Hey baby.(men who call aquantancies baby are not to be trusted,ok?)
EB: Hi... I wanted us to ..uhm...get some things straight
RM: What?(bad connection)
EB: Wanted to...make a few things clear(I was eating words but I have edited so things can be legible).
RM: uhm... sure
EB: This evening, when we go out. We're doing it as colleagues and friends, right?
RM: What? We are going to Colleagues and Friends?
EB: I said, we are going out as colleagues. Period, ok?
RM(stutters abit): EB...really! Just come over.

Something like that. I didn't get an answer but atleast now he knew where I stood. And though I was as embarrased as sin, I felt lots better. That evening, he admitted that he had had plans for us but he wouldn't disrespect my position on the matter. As of now, i think we are tentative friends though he at times lapses.

The moral of this story was said earlier. Sometimes, running ain't the solution. Take a stand

DESIDERATA

2007-06-28T23:05:00.000-07:00

Hi people. Missed you. sometimes I get lonesome and i scroll through my phone book looking for some one to call so i can feel alive again.Believe it or not, i often come up with zilch.At times like that, wonder what the hell am doing with all these numbers which i can't call when i need to talk.At times like that, i want to delete them all.I almost did once, then common sense prevailed.

I guess there are times when the only one that can help you is you. Anyway, I run into a poem called Desiderata. Some brother had included it in his vibe speech. I took the poem and ran. Here goes;

Max Ehrmann
Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

PS:I almost asked u to hope that i have time to type it out for you. Then I remembered the miracle of cut and paste! I believe!

anyway,t's a nice poem and i think i'll try to effect what it says. wanted to talk about sum'n else but let me post afresh

LOVE OF MY LIFE

2007-06-23T02:38:00.000-07:00

For starters, Jasmine, If you don't issue me an invite to that newly blocked blog of yours, ama hunt you down, shoot you, shoot the person who gave you the idea of not inviting me, shoot his best friend, shoot his best friend's girlfriend, her dog and the dog's favourite toy or rather bone and you know I ain't joking.

On a more pleasant note, how's everybody? Yesterday I did a bad thing. I shan't say but let me ask; Have you ever been in a situation where you don't like someone that much and yet they worship the ground on which you walk?

Is it true that sometimes we tell them off when they ask of us and yet when their interest seems to be waning, we do something to bring it back, give 'em false hope? It may be conscious or subconscious but I know I do it. It may be a smile or a prolonged touch, whatever.I felt like a shit afterwards, promise never to do it again.

Oh, and The Crush of My Life's coming back.Yey! The official take is we couldn't care less but am already wondering out loud among reliable sources," Mpozi when did Thingie say he's coming?" I need reassurance that he'll be here. This ought to be fun. Life's been too dull of late. Sad thing is he's only here two weeks! Now if I could just get him to come back with us to the island...

I never learn do I? But it's so much fun smiling at nothing and staring at the phone(atleast for the first one hour).Oops, just remembered I cut his number out of my journal and I lost my old line.HEELP!!!

But wait, this may be a once in a life time chance. Am not going to look him up. He will prove himself by looking me up. I shall not be weak. Infact, no more asking anyone anything! Brace your selves for a roller coaster ride people!

POETRY FOR INTELLECTUALS

2007-06-23T02:06:00.000-07:00

Hi , the font on this pc is so big, It almost beats Italics but not quite. Iwaya, u happy now? Anyway, Am done with papers, idle and disorderly though not for long. Internship from hell's coming up and I can't say am looking forward to it. This business of knocking from door to door looking for voluntary employment ain't sexy.How much more shall we suffer when we want actual jobs?

Anyway,I wrote a poem today, off my head but I didn't finish, any one who has any ideas can share but s(he)s to go with the flow: no murdering my poem.
I know I ain't got nothing on Maya Angelou but I've elected her as role model so it would be ludicrous for me to try and usurp her. Here goes;

How about I be a lyricist
since I've failed to be a physicist
on rhyming every word I'll insist
in case of failure, I'll persist
Be like Drew in 'Music and Lyrics'
since I've failed at Quantum Physics*1

How about I be an artist
seeing as Maths feels like mortis
capture the sky, trees on paper
capture people with a new flavour
make it good, just like Picasso
seeing as these numbers are such a hussle

How about I be a dancer
considering everything else causes cancer*2
shake my body, make the boys say, "my!"
find out too if my hips don't lie
I think I shall dance like Shakira
considering how I do all else like Attila

How about I be a poet
since for scientific genius am so late
A thousand feelings in just a few lines
to be debated on as pips*3 sip their wines
mend or break hearts, just like Maya
since for those idiot theories, I only feel ire

How about I be a best friend
have two ears that I could lend. . .

That's where inspiration died. Indiana helped with the second one so I need 4 lines with as much rhyme as possible(at the ends). Oh, and I need copyright to doctor those lines as I see fit. Come on, help me out, flex those poetic muscles. Love you all

PS: Who's seen Jasmine. Rather lost. Let me go look for her.

*1 Chemistry didn't quite rhyme
*2 I swear nothing else was rhyming, be gentle.
*3 people

EMOTIONS ARE RESTRICTED TO FEMALES. BOYS BE PRETENDING

2007-06-18T08:38:00.000-07:00

Hi, am sorry about the Italics Iwaya, it's just that I find it soo..oo pretty. Don't ask, I can't explain but do explain to me why boys don't have much emotion? I mean, in the last post, all the brothers were hatin' on that soulful music that I love to hate. What's the basis. Not your faults, am just wondering.

Yesterday, I watched my brother watch a movie called "Blood and Chocolates". The part that made me watch it was the "chocolates" part. It suggested something sensual, read romantic. No prizes for the part that am thinking took my brother in. Anyway, it's a beautiful story about a romance between a werewolf and a human. It's the very first movie I 've seen that based entirely on werewolves(no vampires this time) and it cast them in a fantastic light. By the time I was done watching it. I wanted to grow up to be a werewolf(ess)

What was I saying? Yeah. So am watching my brother watch this movie and I realize something, he's unconsciously forwarding the parts that I had kept slowing down or rewinding while I watched! Now that was crazy. Those parts when the hero says something so fitting or corners the heroine and she wants to ran but can't run because his hypnotic gaze has rooted her to the spot... Forget that. You know what am talking about. Instead he was forwarding to the parts where the wolves chased down bad guys or leaped in human form from amazing heights. Okay, those parts were cool too but really!

My point here is that people say that brothers are emotional but hide their feelings well. So how do u explain this. . . subconscious hiding from emotion, forwarding business? I don't get it.

Music of the heart

2007-06-10T06:11:00.000-07:00

There's two kinds of good music in my world. There's that one which makes my bones vibrate(coz it's really loud) and then there's that which makes my heart pain coz its really soft. The bone shaker's pretty good for those times when I want to send the entire world to hell and just feel free to be me .

That's why I 've taken to rock like a fish to water. Nothing beats, shouting with Avril(in a coarse, raw voice), "I WANT TO DIE...." and then the guitarist helps you out a little and you're bobbing your head, stomping your feet, trying to keep the furniture out of your way... you know? I look back on rock nights with Els and Hetta and am content. Life aint so shitty after all.

Then there's those guys who refuse to leave you to lick your wounds in silence, They insist on putting words to it. Am talking Whitney, Luther, Heather Headly, Zhane.

I used to cry myself to sleep at night
but that was all, before he came
I thought love had to hurt to turn out right
but now he's here, and its not the same...it's not the same.

That's Whitney, 'All the man I need'. It makes me so friggin hopeful, I wish you knew. Am destined for great things. You need to read the entire song to get my drift. Brothers, I warn you: it might get a little mushy

I wish I wasn't in luv with you
so u couldn't hurt me
it's just not fair the way you treat me,
no, u don't deserve me
wasted my time, thinking about you
when you u ain't never gon' change
I wish I wasn't in love with you
so I wouldn't feel this way

That's Heather Headley, I feel like that sometimes. Misused. But am yet to encounter a brother who can keep me feeling that way. It's not that am not emotional, just that am very aware of myself and what I have to offer. I know that I can't and won't take shit from nobody except Els and Sandy and Bren who are my friends and would take my shit if I dished it out.That sounded gross. But you get the picture. So, when in love or any of it's close relatives, ie lust, crush etc, Wallow abit and then move on! . So i touch my heart, croon along, then get up and walk like nothing happened. It works for me.

Its crazy how I can always find a song to match my mood. With the exact needed lyrics, like I had it custom made. Dilemma came when I was in an unclassifiable relationship sort of thing with a brother who I was sure knew what was going on and refused to say. I couldn't bloody sing out my frustrations. I just sat there cursing out loud. It was pathetic.

ITS JUST A LITTLE CRUSH

2007-06-09T18:11:00.000-07:00

Hey it's four in the morning, am attempting to brag about my newly found night life which is as unpredictable as the end of the world. Generally, it's non existant but once in a while... Something comes up. Enough already, lets talk about mutual crushes.

It's not everyday that these happen. Atleast not in my world. But when they do happen. Wow. I used to have daily crushes, as in." ooh, he's so cute." Then I'd swoon over the unsuspecting individual for twenty four hours and be ready to move on the next day. I thought crushes were overated: can't sleep? Can't eat? Yeah right! Pretty naive, I know.

Then came a time when a brother who was not even on my list of crushees showed up. I tripped him(totally by accident) and he(the trippee) asked me, the tripper, if I was okay. Don't know what it was about that concern. I saw crushes in a new light. You guessed it, no food or sleep for about 3 months. I finally got it: that loss of breath when you see them, The tingling feeling, the rush, the reading something into every little thing he did, everything.

Brother didn't even know that I existed but for three whole months, everything he did was because he was fighting his feelings for me(Atleast in my head it was). That was a crazy time but I finally snapped out of it. It stopped being fun and became painful cause he'd never know. I wasn't bloody likely to tell him, now was I?

After that, back to daily crushes or just hourly ones , then came another. Now this one, this one was precious. Still is though I be cursing that particular brother every moment I get. Officially, am supposed to not care but hey, am human, am entitled to slip up some times. You have any idea how wiered it is to go out with coupled up people when you are single? It's pretty lonesome I tell you. So here I am stuck with a couple of couples for three whole days on an island.

There's this other singleton, just one. A brother, thank God. So, I say to myself, " I better make friends so that when other people need QT(QualityTime), we can hang out and feel independently single". I swear I didn't see it coming... But that's not entirely true. I figured that the worst I could do was have me a weekend of outrageous flirting. I didn't see any harm in that.

Problem came when I realised that Mr. One Weekend Stand was anti social. Now's the time to admit my problem. Am a sucker for unreachable people. I'll either stay far away from you or try to wriggle under your skin. Brother was a looker and the few snippets of vocabulary i heard come out of him, screamed intelligence. There's something about a clear accent that turns my pages. That must be it, I can't think of any other reason why I decided he was for getting to.

That was the plan: reach out to him, Have us both a nice weekend and never see him again. Let me just say that he who digs a pit for the righteous man falls into it himself. I can tell you the exact moment it happened. He was blazed or tipsy on black ice and was just sitting there gazing at the bon fire. Whoever said never kick a man when he's down don't know what he's talking about. I advanced. Let me set the scenario for you:Oh, for reference, he's MOWS ie; Mr One Weekend Stand and am EB.

EB: Hey, U ok?
MOWS: Wha... Am good.
EB: What you doing? Meditating?(He was dozing actually).
MOWS: No, just gazing at the fire. You know why fire's so ... thought provoking... It's in that category...(Looking at me to see if i'm feeling him).

EB(your's truly doesn't dissapoint) Yeah, like the ocean, the sea, the sky.
MOWS: (impressed)Yeah, you can't quite figure them out
EB(out of intellectual things to say):Yeah
MOWS:I like fire the best. Its just waiting. It's like it's saying come and f**** get me.

Am not sure if the musings of a drunk man are to be taken seriously but I was hooked. Don't ask me why, I can never explain why. Maybe am crazy about well spoken men who occasionally let a swear word out and use it well, I don't know. We became friends that night but for the record, Being friends with the crush victim don't help none. I attached too much to everything we did and he didn't think about it twice. He'd ignore me for weeks on end and I'd be dieng to talk to him, When he left he never said goodbye. Am still cursing him for it and just when I thought I was moving on, he'd beg to take me out to coffee. I can only say it was mighty confusing on my part. But I loved the drama. When I think back, I know that my life hasn't been so boring.

Now, the mutual crush was just plain wiered but good none the less. You know how u meet a good friend of a friend? Well I was on my best behaviour because we were gon' hang the entire day. No use making a bad first impression. All went well until one night, he'd had abit to drink so the normally quiet individual stepped aside for he's alter ego. (Another time, we shall discuss this obsession with brothers under the influence.)God, I love having the attention of attractive people. What's not to like when each statement's punctuated by a caress of the arm or cheek, a pat on the nose or a sigh of my name. I felt wanted. Then girlfriend goes and spoils it all by bringing pics, one day, and saying, " Oh, look, that's XXX's girlfriend".

Don't worry, I wasn't that far gone, I just reduced on the intensity of my smiles, the intimacy of my conversation and the proximity. Then one day we are talking and he tells me he once had this huge crush on me but he stayed away till it went. I said cool. For that moment, I was the winner in these games of admitting things. Then some imp made me feel bad that I'd made him think he hadn't touched me at all. So I told him. Am proud to say that after I did that, I pulled even farther away, I wasn't about to become a third wheel.

Problem was that I sensed that he could and has, in the past, used this admission against me but I fought back and I won. As of now, we look at each other in mutual appreciation and proceed to discuss politics in modern Uganda or some such mundane topic.

I'd be lieing if i said I didn't think of us being together. Of him leaving his gal of a zillion years to be with me, the crush of his life. But I figured that he was probably better off with her. First of all, am incompetent in matters concerning the heart and I honestly wouldn't know what to do with him after I'd gotten him. Some times, I curse the fact that Mr Right is nowhere to be seen but then I think and realise that I have no where to put him when he comes. There's a saying that goes, "When the student is ready, the master will appear". Am thinking when am ready, he'll appear, too.

DEMURE

2007-05-29T03:22:00.001-07:00

Hey just visited Keitetsi's Blog (Hope I got the spelling right), there's a set of Maya Angelou poems there. There's one on 'woman'. it touched me in places i've known I have for some time. I wonder why I don't get that am special and not for meddling with. I might be getting it but too slow for my liking. I can tell am making progress by the fact that i don't make as many excuses for the brothers as much as I used to.

Secret: I used to carry boys' bags instead of the buggers carrying mine. Is your mouth open in shock, don't worry, when I think about it, I open my mouth voluntarily.

Oh, and i don't whine(out loud) anymore. From now on, i shall know no fear, chins up ladies. Let me share with you my new resolutions (clears throat).No wonder am striving to be demure; its my calling! My destiny, who I am.
1. No more talking too much. I am demure.
2. No more talking too loud. I am demure.
3. No inniciating conversation in a room of quiet people. I am demure.
4.No thinking I can save the world. I'll be too busy filing my nails and being. . . . .(all of us). . . . demure.
5. No more wearing jeans. Elegance; high heels, swishing skirts. . .u know how we do. Demure
6. No more demanding to climb the trees with the boys. My role in life will be to sit back and be catered to. You guessed it: demure.

Hmm, what else do demure people do for a living? A second, let me look it up. Hey. The definition's pretty interesting, to me anyway:(of a girl or woman) behaving in a way that does not attract attention to her or her body.

Hmm...how does a bootylicious person like 'yours truly' work on the second part. I mean, I make even sack cloth look good? The first part's easy. I'll just stop talking and the attention goes. But the second...

This needs more thinking about than I thought it would. Let me think some more and I'll get back to u. Demure

Lovely day

2007-05-29T03:22:00.000-07:00

Hi there. I think I might have finally hit the mark. Am always hoping that people will stop describing me as , " that loud girl," I'm aiming for, "That girl who's sooo demure". Wanna know why I think I might finally be demure, i got two new posts from people that are not Els. I was screaming on the inside and yet outside, i just said," Hmm, 4 posts?"

SOLITUDE

2007-05-27T11:56:00.000-07:00

I don't think that's the right word. Solitude has a ring of contentment about it and that's far from what am feeling right now. What is it about a person being alone in a room full of people. when i think about it, i feel like its such a waste of good time and what could have been good memories. enough of that shit. i want to hate a little. i've had it up to here (just above my head) with brothers who fake scenarios for their own benefit. u probably don't get it so let me give u two scenarios:

He spends alot of time sneaking glances at you, then he finally works up the nerve to say,"hi".

You reply,'hi'

He looks at u consideringly.As if he's weighing likely losses. Mind made up, he asks,"Would u do something for me?"

'sure', u reply, trying to be of help.

He maintains eye contact as he asks, "Even if it seemed impossible?"

Concerned, u cover you tracks by saying,'no, if i can, i will,' then idiot increases on the eye contact, the gaze intensity, leans back,crosses his arms, gives u a once over and sighs,"i donno where to start"

Alert to the change in tone and mood, afraid to get the wrong idea, u briskly say,
'try at the begining,'

Bugger then looks at u from under his lashes and proceeds to say, "okay...could u get me your friend's number?".

It's not the first time it's happened. Another time, 2 years ago, I was at a party, feeling like the life of it, I mean, everyone was feeling my shit and all, then i got a phone call. It went something like this:

me:hi
him:hi, is this Elle B?
me: sure, who's this?
him: you wouldn't remember. How are you?
me: am great, u?
him: good, it's been long
me: i wouldn't know, u haven't told me who this is
him: i'll tell u, u sound like a kid on phone
me: Do not, who's this?
him: Okay, it's xxxx(cute boy)
me: Oh, hi!(with a greatly changed approach- bigger smile)How are u ?
him: good
me: it's nice to hear from u. how'd you get my number(Incredulous that he'd look me up a yr later)?
him: I hunted all over for it
me: did u (warm glow)?
him: Yeah, Need help.
me: sure
him: could u get me xxxx's number?
me: sure(plastic smile blocking lots of swear words).

I'll proceed to tell u why i have beef with this. If u gon discuss business, get to it, don't use bloody underhand tactics to get the deal. It leaves a wiered impression and in my case, leaves me feeling used, wronged and not as cool as i felt before.

SOUL SEARCHING

2007-05-18T02:14:00.000-07:00

Just how crazy does the idea of giving without expecting a thing sound?Sheer madness if you ask me but I've got an idea. Hear me out for a second.

In religion, that's the way to go: give, especially when you know you ain't getting nothing in return. Yeah right! How we supposed to get ahead when we just keep giving? Then there's that saying,"Give till it hurts".Man, if you follow shit like that, at the end of the day you can be in some real pain. There's even a recommendation that you give away the things that you value the most. In this way, you maintain spiritual freedom. Your soul don't get tied down to material things, you don't end up 'worshipping' your Manolo Blahniks or your Prada or whatever designer item you posess. How wiered is that? That's side A. Let's check out side B.

Raise your hand if you believe in karma. I see a number of hands (in my head). Yep, that old saying about what goes around coming round. Everyone knows about it, even Alycia Keys and Justine Timberlake( and they are reliable sources).

The idea is that when you give, the gods put a star on your name. They arrange for you to jump the blessing queue and even have someone doctor the blessing ration you was s'pposed to get. My theory is that that only works when you don't demand anything in return.

Another idea goes back to the bible. It has to do with storing riches in heaven. Imagine the idea of giving your car to charity and finding it in heaven. That's the shit. . . but I don't buy it. Lets go onto a smaller scale. You give someone a little of your precious time and in heaven, the angel will spare some time to look for your name on the back covers of the book of life. Does that make sense? Or you give someone food and for every time you feed them, God adds another floor to your mansion in the skies. It's an idea, think about it.

oh, and the reverse is true; those times, you withhold, a skull and cross bones are drawn on your page. The wise man should thus ration if he don't want to go all the way up or down. Ensure that atleast you have a nice two bedroomed apartment with air conditioning and a regular supply of healthy foods. Oh, and please note that your dwellings will be in purgatory because God's gon' spit you out if you are luke warm . Am not sure if the devil has standards. I mean would he throw you out for being too good for his liking?

I have absolutely no idea where am going when I die and yet I firmly believe that I'll either cease to exist or be chilling with my main man(God, ofcourse). Donno how am sure, I just am

What's wrong with the world, maama?

2007-05-11T09:45:00.001-07:00

I need to apologize for my failure to notice and make use of the edit function: Sometimes, i get so full of myself and forget that I can make mistakes too. Sorry, Perdon. Le siento, Saidia mimi, nsonyuwa and everything that falls in between.

I have a personal problem that I need to get down in writing. Maybe you'll help me make sense of it. To begin with, I don't understand why men and women feel the need to play games with each other. Yeah, yeah, I know it's the game player who gets the guy or the girl but maybe that just means they deserve each other. Why can't straight forward, with a dash of common sense, work equally well?

Let's have an example. It's often said that girls prefer 'bad boys' to nice ones. Wanna know why? It's simply because bad boys hacve the basic common sense to know that a girl given too much attention is one that grows a big head. So they hold off on the compliments, go easy on the put downs and just keep coming back. This is enough to show the affected young lady that inspite of her flaws, the brother's still digging her.

I'm talking about calling her 8 times a day. Aint y'all ever heard of the saying, 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'? Do you think the dood or doodess who wrote that was stupid? There's such a thing as anticipation. It shouldn't be underestimated. And yet, if you want to talk to someone, you should just go ahead and call 'em. Since this seems to be a contradiction, let's just say that if you've done it more than thrice in a day, you need to bite something, tie your hands together and wait for the next day,or week if you're still laying strategies.

Another thing that gets me is 'writing between the lines', as opposed to reading between them. I mean going round in circles and never saying anything conclusive. Let's have a scenario: two young people are flirting healthily and then when everyone's gone, brother pins sister to a wall and as she tries to make sense of it, he asks, "Can't you read between the lines?". Between what bloody lines, man! There's being subtle then there's being plain presumptuos! I mean, where do some brothers get off thinking that just coz she sat with you and smiled at you, she wants you?

Aren't they in the least bit scared that they may have read the signs wrong, that they may make laughing storks of themselves? Am just trying to say, Before you attempt to jump someone's bones, be sure that you are sure, that you are sure, that she wants you to 'jump them', for lack of a better word

This aint a hate campaign , it's just that am sick of brothers who can't be bothered to get to know people for themselves and not for what they can give them.

Am by nature a person that runs from extreme emotion from the opposite sex. As such, my skills of detection of potential 'likers' are finely horned. When I say that I can tell when someone's about to really like me, am not kidding, I just can. Standard procedure is to lay low till it goes away (the extreme like, i mean). I used to run at the first hint of like till a close friend told me not to be 'paranoid', so now i stick around and play stupid till they break it down for me in black and white.

Brother's have a tendency of dropping hints which can't be traced back to them. Am guessing it's a defence mechanism, prevents them from getting hurt if the feelings aren't reciprocated. So we girls have had to come up with good, less non-traceable come-backs, so we can keep up the banter. In a way, we play stupid untill they are forced to out themselves and risk being let down. At th end of it all, if it was mutual, you gon' see it in the look, the gestures, the words, the intonation, it's everywhere, you can't miss it. And when that's happened, there's confidence to say it loud and say it proud. The magic words range from, "am feeling your shit(lol)" to"am diggin on you" to "i really like you" to "am crazy about you" till the words get shorter, more meaningful and more precious. Wonder if y'all know what am refering to( The most magic of them all). That's the natural way of it.

So when a brother skips all these steps in a misguided, sorry attempt to get himself some or whatever, I feel nothing but fury and rage. Fury that he thinks am not worth the fuss and rage that he would dare.

Sometimes I wish we were all asexual because of the shit I see, expirience, hear about. It's just not right. I would like that we all first like each other as people and then we go on from there to wherever. I don't know................Am I the only one that feels like this?

2007-05-05T07:37:00.005-07:00

Hi, i feel shitty. Help

Lovely day but . . . .

2007-05-05T07:37:00.003-07:00

Hello. am smiling but with a heavy heart. Why? Because I think am a bad friend. I don't have much time for my friends these days and not coz am busy, just plain selfish . Am going through a phase .I've made a late new years resolution: to start living for me. However, as old habits die hard, it's still killing me.

I decided that i wouldn't be taking no shit from nobody ever again; saying yes when I mean no, feeling embarassed on other people's behalf. No more of that! I do want to save the world but not while sacrificing myself.

By the way, my faith in the brothers peeked at me from it's hiding place today. Wanna know what happened? I spilt his drink and I told him I'd replace it. he didn't seem to hear but when i brought it, he said I shouldn't have. He said I was a lady and that it was an accident. Owww.Then he bought me a drink and left. Double owww. I'm freezing that picture of him in my head and I hope we never meet again coz the picture might get spoilt.

Am also glad that am having belly laughs with a guy I stopped talking to and didn't talk to for a year. As I said, the world's a beautiful place but. . .

I hate growing up except for the fact that I get to stay out later and later. One day, i won't have to go home at all! Muhahaha. And I thank God for my friend LongBottom, she's a real rock in a stormy sea, a diamond in the rough, and other equally profound things. She makes everything worthwhile. I recommend that everyone get themselves a LongBottom.

Life

2007-05-05T07:37:00.001-07:00

Logged on to bitch about life, how it sucks and how I hate growing up but on my slow mainful journey to my blog, i found so much cause to smile so the moral of this story is: Life's full of shit but every cloud has a silver lining and if we make it a point to find that lining every time we hatin', It won't be so bad

Do unto others

2007-05-05T07:37:00.000-07:00

Do you know of people who can't be bothered to include you in a conversation? They really get my goat. Forget poking your nose into things that don't concern you. Imagine a scenario where four people are engaged in a conversation and one gets left out. Much as they try to ask for an update, those horrible people only seeks to encourage the speaker, hence effectively leaving you, the lost person farther behind. What makes me madder is that when they get lost in their turn, they want to be brought up to speed.

Usually, i let them flounder abit then tell them what they want to know. am always hoping that they'll take a hint and see that if they didn't like it, then no one else will.

Am a firm believer in this 'do unto others ' business. It's so bloody simple! I don't get why people can't subcribe to it. It's for this reason that I smile into the phone when someone calls, regardless of who it is, I smile whenever I meet someone I know, I greet myclass mates before they greet me, I do things with no hope of repayment and all the other things that people don't think it pays to do.

Oh and if you like this idea, also listen to the ones that talk too much. It's not every day that they get a listener who doesn't end it by saying they talk too much. Bye

Must we benefit from everything we do? Doesn't it matter that we are making other people happy? Am not saying am an angel.I'd love to be one but am only human. There are times when I don't give a shit if the whole world is miserable but even then, I retreat into myself and wait it out. Then I put on my happy face and step out to embrace the sun!!!

Of false alarms and helping hands

2007-05-05T03:35:00.000-07:00

Turned out to be a friend of mine pulling my leg. Where's the damn annoyed smiley? Hold up. Can't find it but i found the italic icon( smiles). Love italics. Wanted to talk about this whole idea of twinning.

You know, when 2 countries, one rich, another poor get together for mutual benefit? Okay, mostly for ours but they too benefit in terms of new ideas, sight seeing (in the case of exchange programmes), aclimatising, new environments, cultures and people.

I was just wondering; if a far off country like Sweden could put us on their budget through projects like CIDA and Redcross, how come we can't do it for each other? am talking about better off countries in Africa helping the not so well off ones to develope. it doesn't even matter in what sector: it could be the music industry, the education sector, whatever and wherever.

The point is to provide the opportunity for us to learn from each other, not be so stingy with our own little developments. And since we are talking along those lines, lets make it more local , say, a town in Central Uganda twinning with one up North. I don't know if am making much sense but I feel like it would really make the world a little better.

Secret Admirer

2007-05-04T07:59:00.002-07:00

YEY!!!!!!!!!i made it back. i thought I'd never see the day that i posted twice on the same blog. lol. Today's a first, I've actually posted thrice in one day( probably to make up for the long stretches during which i shan't post). So... am abit embarrased at the earlier display of my incompetence( i posted the same thing twice) but bare with me, am learning on the job.

An hour ago, i was called up by a secret admirer. Am meeting him at a cafe I frequent abit later. I don'teven know why am considering it. Nah, that's not true. i know exactly why: I lack drama in my life, ama go generate some. Though its highly unlikely that it's for real(I betcha its some one i know, who I'd never get with in that way). That's just my lack: the one's I like don't like me and the one's that like me, I don't feel enough for. So, Tonight we see if my lucks finally changed.

ATALAST!!!!! MUHAHAHAHA

2007-05-04T07:59:00.001-07:00

Hi there, u know how they say third time's the charm? They lied. I 've been trying to get into the bloody( forgive my French) blogosphere for about three hours. 4 tries later, am not even sure am in.

My name's Elle B. I study at the University and I want to grow up to make the world a better place. yes, I still wear my rose tinted glasses, aint about to take them off. Am also not ashamed to say that I have permanent stars in my eyes. I can't help it, my mother was really optimistic when she had me. It stuck. Hang on a sec, let me sign out and see if I can get back in. Ciao